Move on

Dean

It wasn't like Dean didn't know what he was doing. He just couldn't seem to stop himself from doing it. Pushing those he cared about away. He had always done it. The only reason Sam stuck around was because they were blood related. Sam knew how to handle Dean. Knew when to push and went to stop. He knew what made Dean tick. He knew what made him mad and he knew exactly how to push Dean's buttons.

So when Sam saw Cas re-enter the motel room with a look of anguish he knew that Dean had done it again.

"Cas," Sam started but Cas held up a hand stopping him from saying anything more.

"Tommy, we're passing on the case to Sam and Dean. We can head out in the morning."

Thomas only nodded, looking a bit like a deer in headlights. He was clearly thrown off by seeing the angel so angry.

"Come on, Cas, you know how he can get," Sam sighed, his shoulders slumping. He hated watching what Cas and Dean did to each other. Over and over they did this. One would say or do something that hurt they other and they'd fight and then they'd make up.

"Exactly, which is why I left," Cas snapped. Sam now the focus of Cas' cold stare.

"I know man, I get it, but-"

"No, you don't," Cas cut in again. "Why don't you ask Dean why I left."

Sam sighed.

"Come on, Sam, why don't I walk you out and I can finish telling you what I know," Tommy cut in gently. He gestured to the door.

Sam wouldn't be able to talk to Cas. That had always been Dean's job. But he could talk to Dean. Get through to him. It just wouldn't be easy.

Dean sat on the edge of the worn out motel bed, his head in his hands. He didn't bother looking up when the door opened. He knew it was Sam.

Dean could feel his younger brother's stare. He'd talked to Cas.

"Sammy, please," Dean begged, his hands sliding from his face in favor of clasping in front of him. His elbows planted firmly on his knees.

"Why did he leave?" Sam demanded. His tone no longer holding the concern it once had.

"It's what he does," Dean huffed throwing his hands up.

"Dean."

The oldest Winchester knew that he wasn't getting out of this one.

"He's moving on," Dean spoke, his eyes finally looking up to meet his brother's.

"Moving on?" Sam didn't understand what that was supposed to mean.

"Yeah, you know, living his life...without us," Dean's voice wavered slightly.

"What happened?"

"The same thing that always happens. I blamed him for things that weren't his fault. I was mad and he was..."Dean ran his hands through his hair, tugging in frustration as he went.

"You think keeping him at arm's length is gonna make it go away, but isn't," Sam's voice was somewhere between stern and sympathetic.

Dean only frowned in confusion.

"You're hurting. You both are. We all lost Jack. We lost mom. Then Ketch, and Rowena. You push people away when you need them. You drown yourself in pointless cases," Sam gestured around them, as if proving his point. "You think that blaming Cas will take away the need for him, but it won't."

Dean's confusion instantly turned to tense displeasure. He pursed his lips and clenched his jaw. Sam had found the nerve.

"You can stand here all stoic, and pretend you don't know what I'm talking about, but you do. You can't change how you feel, Dean and-"

"Stop," Dean growled, his eyes glaring intently at his brother.

"You've pushed him for the final time. What are you gonna do next time we lose someone? Cas won't be here to blame. Instead there will be this hole in your heart where he used to be."

"Alright, I've heard enough," Dean sneered. "I don't need to listen to this Shakespearean bullshit."

"Instead of blaming him to keep him distant, why don't you let him be there for you. Let him be the comfort you need."

Dean's anger only grew as Sam continued. He had found the nerve and was now severing it, slowly.

"Just admit it, Dean..."

"Don't you say it."

"You love him."

Dean's anger was faltering as he felt the tears sting the backs of his eyes.

"And he loves you."

That was it. The tears were now blurring his vision.

"It's okay, Dean," Sam stepped forward, debating on comforting his brother.

"No, it's not. We don't get that in this life. We don't get to have loved ones, and family. I've already lost him too many times, I can't do it again."

"So you're gonna push him away? Dean that doesn't make any sense. Take advantage of the time you have. You could be with him right now, but instead he's with another guy. Who's very fond of him, I might add."

Dean's face pinched at the reminder. He bowed his head, a tear finally slipping from his tired eyes.

"Go talk to him, Dean. Tell him how you feel."

"What if it's too late?" Dean's glossy eyes met Sam's causing him to grimace in sympathy. He hated seeing Dean so broken.

"Do you really want to add the regret of not finding out to your pile?"

Dean swallowed, running a hand over his face to clear away the tears. Sam was right. He knew he was right. Sometimes in moments like this, he thinks about what Bobby would say to him. He knows right now, Bobby would tell him to get his sorry ass out that door and fix this. Nothing motivated Dean quite like a gang up from Bobby and Sam.

-

"Are you okay?" Thomas asked the angel carefully.

"No. Not really," Cas answered honestly.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Cas looked to the hunter. His soft green eyes watching Cas patiently. Cas should be thankful, but it just made him miss the impatient dark green of Dean's eyes.

"It won't change anything," Cas shook his head. That was Dean's stance on things anyway.

"But it might make you feel better," Thomas shrugged, a sad smile gracing his too thin lips. Dean's were poutier and more plump.

Cas shouldn't be comparing Thomas and Dean. They were very different people and anyone would pale in comparison to his hunter.

"You two have a pretty in depth history, huh?" Thomas asked trying to prompt Cas when he didn't respond.

Cas only nodded.

"You love him, don't you?" Thomas gave another sad smile.

Cas dropped his head as if in shame.

"It must have been hard to give him up."

"He was never mine to give up," Cas sighed.

"Well then he's an idiot for not seeing how amazing you are," Thomas placed a comforting hand on Cas' shoulder.

Cas looked fondly at the hunter. His eyes dropping to the other man's lips. Dean took out his frustration and loneliness by sleeping around. Cas had never done it, but he knew a flirtation when he saw one and Thomas had been throwing them at Cas for weeks. He'd always wondered what kissing Dean would be like. He knew Thomas wasn't Dean. His eyes were too light, his chin to narrow, his nose too rounded, his lips too thin. But his eyes looked at him the way Dean's once did, his lips smiled the way Dean's used to. He cared the way he'd thought Dean had.

Cas swallowed and dropped his eyes. This wasn't Dean, no matter how bad he wanted it to be.