Secrets Are For Keeping

Chapter Thirty-Six

He stood in front of the alcove, eyes looking sad as he slowly walked towards me like I'd run away if he got too close to me. I was tempted to, but then decided it was no use. Maybe it was a better idea to talk to someone right now. Although my first choice wouldn't have been the one person who would hate my guts if he found out my secret.

I let go of my knees, allowing them to stretch out on the floor away from my body.

"Hey," he muttered, sitting down next to me with his legs parallel to mine. I stared at the wall across from us, not wanting to look at him.

"Hey," I responded just as softly, as fatigue came down at me. I was so tired of all of it. Of the inspection and always having to lie about everything. Even if I made it I would still be lying, to him, to Pepper, and Zander. How long would I be able to last before the loneliness that accompanied secrets of any kind took over me?

Kain was quiet for a minute, just staring off at the wall just as I was. "Just saying, they aren't coming for you."

"Hm?" I replied, not getting his point. They weren't coming after me?

"The inspectors. They're just taking notes, I heard one of shake his head no to another when the first asked about it. They're not coming for you."

"Oh," I said in an exhale, surprised by the fact. So I was physically safe at least for the moment. But it didn't comfort me or make me feel any better. Because some things you just never could escape and I knew that this was one of them. Secrets were chains that tied you to the ground, never letting you go and always present no matter how hard you forced your eyes to look away and pretend they didn't exist. But telling secrets was still a lack of freedom in itself, a metal container that you'd always been in, just hadn't noticed while you'd been attached to the chain of secrets.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"Yea," I lied, knowing that if I told him otherwise he'd ask. He'd ask why and I wouldn't be able to tell him. Then he'd wonder about Beckam once more and nothing would be able to save me from answering this time. Because this time it was just me and him and I'd have to answer no matter what.

I could tell that Kain knew I was lying and just wasn't saying anything about it. He looked down at the ground and didn't say anything for a while.

He wanted to know. He had wanted to know before about Beckam and I felt that sharing information about Beckam might get it off my chest. I didn't have to say what happened. I didn't. But...Beckam was once again at the forefront of my thoughts and I couldn't hold back now. Even if it was my secret, it would make it feel twenty times better to just let a small piece of it to share with Kain. A piece of us that was common. Beckam.

"I knew Beckam...," I whispered and Kain tensed up next to me.

"...because we were..." I searched for a word to use to describe us. Lovers? Boyfriend slash girlfriend? All of it sounded to mundane, words too simple to use to detail how complicated and beautiful it was. "...we were...together..."

I saw a change in Kain's expression, as he took in my implication with the word "together". This time it was him who was surprised. He looked confused, but he didn't say anything.

"He never really introduced me to you I guess, his best friend, because...well, I don't know why. I guess he kind of just didn't think about doing it. I remember meeting him..." I smiled sadly as my mind took me back to a bright day in autumn and seeing his face for the first time.

"He didn't actually go to my school...his father, you know, Leader Reid, was renting an apartment with him only a couple floors down during his reelection campaign because they thought it would be a bad idea to stay in their own mansion not too far away since crime was rising and he was running for being Leader making everyone worry someone would try to assassinate him. One morning I just was walking out and to the sidewalk and I saw him there, just leaning against a wall, looking bored out of his mind. So I greeted him and I guess...everything just happened after that."

A picture of Leader Reid suddenly came to mind and I wondered where he was now and if he'd ever won the election, I'd stopped paying attention once Beckam died, too filled with grief and the guilt of secrets to ever bother looking it up. But Leader Reid had looked almost like an older version of Beckam. Leader with a capital L because even with New Pangaea, leaders were still needed and therefore a group of them was elected each year, and there was never a set number. Beckam's father had been one of them and I remembered my sister telling me one night after Beckam died that they'd had an entire huge ceremony for him because of his father's high status.

Kain was staring at me now, his gaze so intent that I wanted to bring my knees back up in front of my face so I didn't have to see him.

Finally, he said something to break the silence. "Beckam had gone to my school and we just became best friends after knowing each other for so many years..."

"Yea...I...I miss him." I stumbled trying to say the words, feeling my throat closing up as I did. It was more than just missing him. It was missing him with emphasis on the entire word. I couldn't even really use words to explain it. Every day I wished I could wake up and go out to meet him, yet every day I knew that he was gone, and I'd never see him again. And the fact that it hadn't even been that long ago killed me. People always said so many times that time would make the pain go away and that after a while it would only be a memory and I'd move on. But the issue with that was that I didn't want the pain to go away. I didn't want Beckam to just turn into a distant memory that I'd one day look back on and feel absolutely nothing towards because it had been so long that I forgot what the pain felt like from forgetting what loving him felt like. I'd rather feel it and remember what happened and know that its real.

"Me too." Kain was no longer looking at me, but instead at his feet. I stared down at my hands, looking at the harsh lines that were carved into my palms, and then seeing my bruised knuckles of my right hand where I'd punched the dark haired boy. There was a drop of blood on one knuckle, a small, pointless drop that wouldn't kill anyone if they'd lost it. I hadn't killed the boy I'd punched, obviously, but his blood was still on my hands.

I quickly hid my hand from myself, not wanting to look at it anymore.

"We should go back..." Kain said after a while. "The inspectors may not have decided to take you yet...but hiding away won't help us..."

I nodded numbly, and then slowly pushed myself off the ground at the same time as Kain did.

"Thank you." Kain looked at me confusedly, likely wondering what I was thanking him for. "...for listening."

He gave an imperceptible nod and even though he seemed to be trying to hide it, I could see the sadness in his face from talking about Beckam.

And then we walked out of the alcove side by side.