The Inceptive Flame⎪✓

❨47❩

♀︎

"Ms. Moore," Doctor Wilson says, none of the nurses could get through to me, I guess this is their last attempt before they carry me straight down to the psych ward. I've been hunched over his body for hours, some part of me is waiting for him to take a breath again, but his body is slowly becoming stiff and I know it's wishful thinking on my part. "You can't change anything, Dakota. But it's 8AM and I promised your dad to urge you to go to your graduation, so please do."

"Why didn't he just tell me himself?" I ask with a hoarse voice, trying to seem as indifferent as possible. The tears are gone, I've felt so much these past few hours, too much, that I'm beginning to feel nothing. A certain numbness washes over my body as I nod my head, squeezing my dad's stiff hand one last time. They will take him to the morgue now, this is my goodbye.

"He didn't want to admit it to you, that there was even a slight possibility of him not attending today," Doctor Wilson's voice cuts in before he leaves the room again.

Looking down at my dad, I nod my head and let go of his hand. I managed to say the things I wanted to while he was still alive and through the agony that thought comforts me a little. As he now walks the gates of heaven he will know how much I love and adore him, just like he told me that one night where he rapped Eminem to me. He wanted me to keep going and I have to do it for him, I have to attend my graduation for him. He wouldn't have wanted me to miss such a big day. 

The school has our graduation gowns and with one last sorrowful thought towards my dad, I leave him in the room. Not wanting to admit how much it hurts, it hurts that he is gone, it hurts that the second I step outside this hospital, they will handle his body like he is another statistic, another number. It fucking hurts!

My feet drag across the floor and outside the sterile building, my mind isn't here as I carry myself down the streets of Hetdale. Before I know it, my school is in sight. Nothing is worth remembering right now, the wind nips at my cheeks and I ignore it, the bubble of excitement that should've been there is absolutely nowhere. The only reason I find myself walking through the doors of Hetdale High is because of my dad, he would have wanted me to have this experience. I couldn't give him his wish of dying at home, now I can give him this. At the very least.

The ceremony will be held outside on the big field, the seniors have to meet up inside the gym to get our clothes and graduation caps. Some of the students bought the clothes, I honestly forgot to even find the right size for the clothes I'm borrowing. Luckily for me, I have two of the best friends by my side and they had my ass the day we needed to fill in our application for graduation clothes. 

I have to empty out my locker today and tomorrow I will call my college and hope for early admission in the dorms, maybe I'm lucky and will be able to leave my hometown earlier than expected. It really would allow me to grief without having my ignorant mother on my throat, I need my own space to mourn over the loss of my dad. I can physically feel the emotions building up inside of me, ready to explode when they are too pent up, I don't want to be here when they do. 

Reaching the gym with five minutes to spare, I hurry inside the locker rooms and change into the only gown hanging by the last row. It has my name written on a piece of paper and I know this is it. Quickly changing into the gown and grabbing my graduation cap for when we walk out onto the field, I decide to face the struggles that today will bring. 

Shaking my head I enter the gym, my eyes spot Relly and Dani almost immediately. They seem incredibly worried and when they spot me, pure relief fall upon their faces. They hurry in my direction, both of them wearing their clothes like queens. It's impressive how they manage to make everything fashionable. 

"Kota!" I almost wince by Dani's familiar nickname, this day won't be easy. "We thought you had slept through your alarm."

Quite the opposite, in fact.

"I'm here now," I say with a nod. "When are we walking out?"

"Within the next couple of minutes," Relly answers and tilts her head at me.

Not reacting to her comment I look around the gym, witnessing all the familiar seniors of Hetdale High buzzing with anticipation of what today might bring. Some of them probably already imagining the multiple Instagram updates, I almost roll my eyes but control myself. The bitterness clearly comes from me wanting to cry every second of this ceremony, everyone deserves their happiness during graduation. I won't be the one to ruin their moods. 

"Hey," Dani grabs my arm and catches my attention. "Are you okay?"

Tugging my arm away from hers, I nod my head, "I'm fine, perfectly fine."

It's so painfully obvious that they don't believe a word I'm saying, I know I look like shit. My scary reflection caught even my own eyes in the locker room, sometimes a mirror really is the worst thing in sad situations. My hair is in a mess, my eyes are puffy from all the crying, the dark circles have reached another blackness. I look horrific. 

But I can't tell them, not now. They love my dad and telling them the truth right before they get their diploma, it seems unfair to them. I have too much respect for them to do so, I want them to enjoy this day to the fullest. My pain will still be here tomorrow. 

A figure in the distance catches my eyes, Elijah looks at me over the crowd. His green eyes cut into my grey ones, visibly gulping I pray he won't confront me right now. It won't be good for any of us, not at this exact moment. When a small smile suddenly lights up his features, the heavy stone in my chest dissolves and I take a deep breath. I'm becoming too dependent on him, his smile helps my pain, allowing me a place to land if even for a second. 

"Class of 2020!" Principal Miller yells out, cutting off our connection. "Get in line, the time is up."

Getting into the line, alphabetical order of our last names, which also equals to me being far away from any of my friends. When I thought ahead to this day when my life was still normal, I always imagined me as someone who would be on the verge of a meltdown, the nerves would be too much. Right now though, there isn't even a sliver of nerves, there isn't a sliver of excitement. My stoic face is etched onto my features as we join the awaiting families on the field. I just need this to be over with.