Command Me To Be Well [Completed]

9 - Without remorse

Attack. Again. Wasps. Again. Even more of them. Again. Questions. Again.

How is it possible?

The scenario is almost the same as last time, too. Almost. Except this time Master Auberon doesn't wait until I start to fade away, he prevents it, acting on the early signs. One small step for mankind, but one giant leap for me. I don't need to struggle to stay in control. My life support does that for me.

The other difference is a painful one. This time, I lose people. Much more than ever before. But it's not only the number of casualties. It's the way they died.

I had to make a choice.

And I made it. Because that's what makes a Seer.

I sacrificed them. Not even to save other people's lives. In exchange for information. At the time, I didn't even know what kind of information, I only knew that it was vital for us.

It wasn't cheap. I gave the lives of two entire squads to get it.

My resources are limited. While I was going deeper and deeper into the memories of a monster, I had to renounce the possibility of saving them. On a rational basis. Regardless of feelings. Without remorse. Just as if they were the way I see them, little dots, placed on a map, not real persons, flesh and bone. Because that's what makes a Seer.

Being immersed in the memories of a Wasp is nothing like being inside the head of a human. It's the scariest place in the world. It's primal. And cruel. And incomprehensible. But I stood my ground. Because that's what makes a Seer. To be stronger mentally than anyone, or, when the situation requires, anything else. I saw what I needed to see.

And now I know. It was worth it.

I made the right decision.

I should still practice the "without remorse" part, though.

When the battle is over, I welcome the darkness. I faint the very moment the last dot disappears from my inner map.

When I come to my senses, I'm in my room.

Master Auberon is sitting on the edge of my bed. With an excruciatingly stiff posture, and with an unreadable expression on his face.

He looks so out of place there. As if he was ordered to do a nurse's job, and he had no way to refuse it, despite feeling uncomfortable about it. Except that there's no one in the whole Gate who could order him to do that. Or, better said, there's no one in the whole world.

When he notices that I opened my eyes, he clears his throat.

"Your state?"

"Horizontal, sir," I croak. "I also have to pee, with your permission, sir."

For a few seconds, he stares at me. Then he jumps to his feet.

"I see you're not in a life-threatening situation anymore. Just keep resting. Report for duty, when ready."

"What's wrong?" I ask him, trying to prop myself up on my elbow.

"Nothing," he says, avoiding my gaze. "I'm needed elsewhere."

I bet he is. But I don't want him to go. I want him to sit back and keep watching over me, as selfish as it sounds. But there's no way I'm going to tell him this. I'm absolutely not willing to ask him to stay. I'm going to ask him something else, which will make him stay.

"Did you see something of what I saw?"

Now that's interesting enough for him to make him turn back from the door.