In The Dark

Number Eleven. Splintering

Abel hasn't taken his eyes off through the entirety of their meeting, I flat out refused to sit at the table with Carter and have since sat looking out the window. Partially listening to Lewis as he complains about Abel and Carter ditching the mission and them almost losing out on everything entirely.

Carter didn't stay in the apartment last night; I think he's under the impression I was sexually or romantically with one of the boys from the treehouse. Perhaps I could have been if he didn't have me so fucked up.

My thought float away from the arguments around me. Focusing on the trees beneath, I wonder if I could the clearing where the cabin is if I had binoculars, maybe that's how they found me. Looking down I realise how high we are, lower than desirable but high enough to kill me if I jump.

Would I jump?

It would hurt more from here, even if a level lower, my window leads to concrete that could crack open my head or snap my neck but here I could survive trapped in the thick branches. Broken bones would result in more misery.

A shared of glass from the broken window could be used and then I could impale myself with it. So many options.

"Liz?" Abel's concerned voice pulls me out of my dark thoughts, and I shake my head to rid me of the images. "You okay?"

"Just peachy" I deadpan, looking around to see the room empty and Carter waiting by the door, talking animatedly with Daniel and the other leave. Must be dinner time.

"You would tell me if something was wrong, right?"

"Abel" I start, voice hard. "Everything in my life is wrong, I'm in pain"

I push his hand from my shoulder and walk from the room, following the rest of the boys down to the restaurant. Not daring to look back at Abel and have him trigger more exhausted tears.

It's unsurprising how busy it is, a case of breaking and entering obviously doesn't deter the patrons from their meals, money and ladies. These men remind me of Johnny, and him I would rather not think of, it is the only think I can successful keep at bay right now.

Clammy hands, deep breaths, disgusting intentions.

How do people live life after the trauma, especially when there's everyone around you but you don't feel as though you can let them in. For fear they will end up like Robert. Like everyone.

Carter ordered me pasta. I order pasta when I am on my period, does he think that is what this is? PMS? God, I am so fucking exhausted by this pathetic guessing game, if I ask, I'll get no more answers than I would if I choose to keep speculating.

I can't look away from the knife left next to my bowl, the direction my thoughts are stuck is dangerous but so alluring. The thoughts and the pain and everything that's threatening to crush me would just disappear and I wouldn't with any of it anymore.

All I want is a break, some fresh air and some freedom. I want a life back, one where I am not scared everyone I like will be shot in the head.

"Why aren't you eating Lizzie?" Carter asks me, drawing Abel's gaze.

"So sorry, that I don't feel like eating your rich food, pretty stuffed on bullshit" I drawl back, meeting his eyes fiercely.

"Come now, let's not go there. We can leave if that is what you want?" He says, posing it as an unsure question but it isn't. The entire table's eyes are now on me, worry etched onto their usually bright faces as they take in my defiance.

"You don't want me to cause a scene, embarrassing when you aren't the one make it, right?" I bite. "What are we gonna do, go back to our apartment and you can try make me feel better with sex, again"