Unnatural Instinct: Fallen

18.

Even while you sleep, I see the demons in the shadows. They know we're here. It didn't take them long to find us. As I knew it wouldn't. They were under my command when looking for you for those three weeks, after all. I know how clever they can be.

Their red eyes peer back at me as you rest peacefully in my arms. If it were early in the night when the shadows are still growing, I would be much more on my guard. I would lift you in my arms and get you away—but morning is coming. A dull grey light is slowly peeling back the darkness, pushing our enemies further and further into the corners, until the light finally reaches them and they vanish.

It's a temporary triumph; though demons shy away from light, angels do not. We're made from it, after all, though I haven't blazed brightly for a long time.

I blink against the light pouring through the window above us. It shines against the straw—and against your hair. I brush your fringe back from your forehead and that's when I notice that sweat is beading under your eyes. Your lips are twitching, your eyes rolling under your eyelids.

You suddenly feel very hot—and I realise that my master is close.

There's no point in trying to wake you; when my master has your mind in his clutches there's no getting away until he releases you.

I should know. He's had my mind in his hands a very long time.

So I hold you close and speak comforting words: how you will always be safe with me; how when God is with you nothing can hurt you; and that you only need believe.

The morning sun burns more brightly as I sit up and pull you into my lap. It gleams against your smooth skin as you rest softly in my arms. As for me—it almost turns my arms golden, like they used to be before I betrayed and abandoned God for a spiteful whim.

I raise my face. 'Heavenly Father, save her. Help her.' I look down upon your face. There are dark shadows under your eyes and your mouth is pinched tight. You look like you're in pain. 'Help them all.'

I feel the warmth of the sun heating up our bedding of straw, along with some of my feathers.

I wasn't completely truthful when I told you I didn't know why I left my master. I'm beginning to understand. Slowly. Piece by piece. It is wrong to think Lucifer is the greatest deceiver. My master is the greatest at nothing, not when his adversary is God himself. Nobody can see God's plan, particularly when it's thousands of years in the making.

Not even when you're at the centre of it.

You wince at something. I touch your face. 'Fear not,' I say. 'No matter how desperate things may seem, God will always win.'

I squint as the morning light burns bright. Against the blur you seem to glow. Suddenly you jerk, your eyes snap open and you sit up with a cry, throwing your arms around my neck.

Your body is trembling. Your shoulders are shuddering as you press your face into my neck and sob into my hair. I hug you back, with my arms, with my wings. I don't say anything, only kiss your head and hold you more tightly.

'He was there,' you whisper.

'I know.'

You pull back. 'You know?'

'It is one of his many powers.'

'I was back in that room. Back in hell. He ... he ...' You give a hard swallow.

'He made love to you.'

You shake your head. 'No. That wasn't making love.' You lift your eyes to the ceiling as more tears bead your eyelashes. 'It wasn't even close.'

Your face is turning red from your crying. Tears drip from your chin and onto your chest. One clings to your left nipple. I smooth it away with my thumb. You lower your eyes back to mine. For a moment you gaze at me, then your face hardens. Suddenly, you thrust out of my arms, breaking through my wings and staggering to your feet.

You rake your fingers down your cheeks. 'I'm so weak! Despite knowing all that I know, I still can't resist him. Not even in my dreams.'

'I told you; you can't resist—'

'Yes, I can! I'm just weak!'

You spin around and see the back wall with the pitchfork leaning against it. You hurry over but I'm faster. Before you can grab it, I seize your wrist and yank you into my arms.

I crush you to my chest as you thrash against me. 'Let go! Let go! Let go!' I merely hold you more tightly as you thump your fists against me. 'Don't you get it?!' you cry. 'There's no other way. I have to do it!'

'This is not God's way.'

'I don't care! My friends. My mother. All those I love. The world.' Finally, your strength gives out and you sag against me. My throat is wet with your tears. I can feel your heart thundering against my empty chest. 'Let me go,' you murmur into my neck.

'You are brave,' I say, 'and good. God would not want you to take your life; to waste your soul in purgatory.' Gently, I pull your head back so I can look you in the eyes. 'I do not want it either.'

Your eyes shine as they look into mine. Then you lower them. 'I'm not worth it.'

I lift your chin. 'You are worth it. It is the small things that God cherishes: the love of a parent for their child; a friend sacrificing for another; the kindness of a stranger. And you—God sees you now. He sees your heart and it gladdens Him. Even now, despite all the risk, it gladdens Him. Without you, without the little things, there is no world.' I take your face and look deeply into your eyes. 'You must live.'

Your face crumples, and you tilt your head back with a gasp. I kiss your mouth, kiss it again, then pull you against me. And there we stand in the glaring morning light, holding each other, an angel and a human, naked and raw, both of us stripped down to the bone, all our thoughts and feelings and hopes open to the world, to the universe, to God.

You have no idea, as young as you are. I am thousands of years old. Against me you are but a child, an infant. I understand now. Those old feelings are coming back. They weren't gone, only buried deep within, waiting for the moment to reveal themselves.

Resting my cheek against your head, I hold you more tightly.