Icon of the Indecisive #3 of 3 (COMPLETE)

Chapter 25

"Hannah?" Jake asks me.

"Yeah it's me, Jake. Thanks for showing up."

"It's my pleasure. I just... I don't know where we are."

"You're home and safe, trust me. I just need something from you, if you don't mind."

"Anything."

"I need your memory of first seeing Kathy again."

He gives me the memory, and I spend the rest of the night studying it. And variations of it. Kathy and Neil are a big help too.

* * *

Kathy Martin, Jake Lalisan, and Neil Prado took the same World History (HIS 104) class in the first semester of freshman year. They didn't choose it, because freshmen didn't choose their classes. Instead, a computer assigned all freshmen to core subjects, distributing them to the different sections and teachers. Some students didn't take HIS 104 at all, because they were perhaps Asian Studies majors and automatically got HIS 102, or majoring in European languages and were given HIS 103.

A computer, as well as fate, decided that some people would be in Denise Cabral's World History class, the only class she taught that semester, her first year back from a sabbatical that she spent traveling and volunteering in rural communities.

The twenty-four students in HIS 104-Cabral were all asked to write something on their first day in class. "Five Things You Might Not Know About Me."

Kathy Martin's #5: Sometimes I think I'm invisible. I wish I weren't.

Jake Lalisan's #5: I wish I could just look at something and see just the important stuff.

Neil Prado's #2: It would be better if people just listened to me.

This was all she needed to start the process.

A fourth person was chosen by Quin Apolinario.

* * *

"You're not wearing your beach party clothes."

"I'm not going to party."

"That's sad. Get in the car."

I was directed to the front passenger seat of the sleek red car, while Vida Castillo took the driver's seat, and Denise Cabral stayed in the back.

I remembered to buckle up.

Vida started driving. She was already in a black bikini top and a red skirt, and yet she made me feel underdressed.

"I'm surprised that you called me, Hannah. Since I've already gotten an earful from Quin about you," Vida said, once we got on the highway.

"Some things I have to do for myself, I guess," I said, looking out the window. We were headed south, further south from Manila. We were on our way to the Batangas beach party. If I wanted to speak to her at all that day, she said, this was the only way to get the time.

"And I guess this means you know Denise?" Vida said, with a glance up at her rearview mirror.

I turned around and saw her leaning slightly against the door, also underdressed for the beach party in a simple tee and shorts. Denise Cabral, hands down the prettiest teacher on campus, everyone said so. It wasn't just that she had soft, shiny hair, or flawless skin, or that she looked slender and not a day over eighteen. She just carried herself in that way.

As if she, too, owned the universe. "Yes I do."

She was looking at me in a friendly way, and I wasn't sure if I should be smiling back. "It's nice to meet you, Hannah."

"What should I call you?"

"Denise is fine."

"I've been calling you Original Goddess."

Denise laughed. "That's funny. Quin said you're funny."

"That's hard to believe."

"So," Vida said, calling attention back to her. "You know a little more about what it takes to be one of us by now. Why did you want to see me?"

"I want you to stop whatever it is that's happening to me. I get it. Love is complicated, it hurts, people make bad choices."

"What you experienced is nothing compared to what you will have to go through if you become one of us."

"I know. I said I get it. But if you're not physically experiencing all this pain, then I shouldn't be too. I already know I'm not ready for this. What else do you need me to say?"

"Do you hear that, Denise?" Vida said. "She's not ready."

"She hasn't heard my argument," Denise said, and she leaned forward and grabbed my shoulder.

And I saw, heard, felt.

Denise's life flashed right before my eyes. It was a very long life.

It wasn't happy.

It had meaning, and it felt important, essential, but was punctuated with so much pain.

Some relief, and then more pain.

Regret like nothing I had ever felt.

Sadness that little joys couldn't redeem.

A conversation with a loving father.

Can't do this. Won't do this anymore.

You'll be back.

Then darkness, and silence. Several lifetimes.

And then someone, a young man.

I saw dancing. And the woman who was always old.

And then there was...hope?

Create before you destroy, someone said.

I am certain.

I am calm.

I cannot be convinced otherwise.

I have found something worth the sacrifice.

And then there was me, as a girl, on the day I told my mother to let my dad go. Except it was not my memory but my mother's, and her heart, that day... It was hollow. I saw her hug me and she was holding on to me for her life, when I thought she was giving me comfort.

And me, again, on various other times, nodding, listening, hugging, telling people things, because people kept doing this to me, since I was a child. And as I nodded, and listened, and hugged, and told them things, I remembered none of the heavy crushing sadness or my role in alleviating it.

Me, doing this, while Original Goddess was gone.

You've been attracting them, Hannah, because I was away. They sensed the void and they found someone new to call. This is what I need so I can pass on. Someone who can take this power and keep it safe.

Quin found you for me, Hannah. Will you help me...

I pulled my shoulder away and broke the connection.

"Do you understand what I need?" Denise, the Goddess of Love, asked me.

The car stopped. I looked past Denise and saw that we were in Batangas, where the party would be. I was lost in Denise's life for more than an hour.

"Talk about it in there. People are expecting me," Vida said.