A Wall Between

Chapter 10

Sasha living next door was really not ideal, because it took a painful amount of self control not to just go and knock on his door all the time. Cooper managed it, though, because he remembered how last time he'd shown up unexpectedly Sasha had gone and cried in the bathroom for a while. Sasha had settled in and started to seem less anxious than ever after that, but it still made Cooper's chest ache to remember sitting there and hearing a quiet sniffle and knowing it was his fault. He would do his very best not to do that to Sasha again.

It didn't help that Sasha hadn't given him any other opportunities to see him, though. They hadn't spoken since Cooper had left Sasha's apartment, and now it was Friday and he'd bought his packet of chocolate chip biscuits like Ellie had suggested and he didn't know if they were still on for hanging out that night. Had Sasha even wanted to in the first place, or was he just too timid to say no?

Cooper considered not showing up. Surely if Sasha really wanted to see him again, he would have made sure to confirm their plans. Perhaps he was trying to give Cooper a hint. But what if he did want to hang out, and he was waiting, and Cooper never showed up?

No. They'd made plans. Cooper would go tonight, but he would bring his key and he would pay attention to the signals Sasha was sending and if he didn't seem to want Cooper around, Cooper would leave. He couldn't rely on Sasha to tell him he wanted him to go, even if he asked, because Sasha was just too non-confrontational. That might just not be something he would ever say, even if he hated Cooper.

Cooper stood in the middle of his apartment and checked himself for a third time. Pants: on. Keys: in pocket. Biscuits: in hand. Was he forgetting anything? The answer to that was usually yes, but he didn't think so.

He left his apartment and went and knocked on Sasha's door.

Sasha answered the door almost immediately. He was wearing jeans and a light blue long sleeved shirt. The sleeves of his shirt were slightly too long and the fingers of one of his hands tangled in his belt loop.

"Hey, Sasha," Cooper said as he entered Sasha's apartment. "How're you doing?"

"Good, thanks, how are you?" Sasha recited, as though pulling directly from a lesson on manners. He didn't look like he was terribly good. He looked nervous and tired.

"I'm good." Cooper held up the packet of biscuits. "I brought biscuits."

"Oh," Sasha hesitated for a long moment, and then took the packet from Cooper. "Thank you?"

"You're welcome." Cooper sat down on the edge of Sasha's bed. "How have you really been? I haven't seen you since last week and you seem not great maybe."

Sasha swallowed visibly and shrugged. His hands grabbed his opposite sleeves and twisted them.

"You okay?"

"Yes," Sasha murmured, but the word came out unevenly and was followed by a shaky breath in.

Cooper stood up. "Sasha?"

Sasha sunk down to the ground, his face pressing against his knees and his arms coming up to cover his head and then he was crying.

Cooper's heart sank as he stared down at him. He didn't know what to do. Comfort him or leave? Had he caused this, or was he just a witness to it?

Cooper crouched down in front of Sasha. "Sasha?"

Sasha's arms tightened around himself.

"Okay," Cooper said as he stood. "I'm going to leave, okay?"

Sasha made a sound of acknowledgement and took a shaky breath in from within the cave of his arms.

"I'm sorry," Cooper said before shutting the door to Sasha's apartment and returning to his own.

#

As soon as Cooper was gone, Sasha crawled into his bed and continued his crying there. He hadn't even made it five minutes before he'd ruined everything. He just could not deal with someone expressing concern for him without falling apart.

He'd worked so hard this week to get himself to a good place so that he could hang out with Cooper and just be a normal person but of course he couldn't do that because he wasn't a normal person and he never would be. Now Cooper probably thought he was completely unstable and not fun to be around and he'd never want to hang out again.

Sasha had thought he liked being alone, thought he didn't really care about friends, but being completely alone all the time wasn't the same as having friends at school and his parents at home and just not engaging with them much. He didn't need nearly as much human interaction as most people, but he was finding that he did, in fact, need some.

And he wanted it from Cooper, because it felt like maybe he really cared and that despite their obvious differences, they weren't really that dissimilar.