SHE [HS]

7

EZRA

If Finneas makes one more joke about Harry and I, I will absolutely kill him.

Sorry, Claudia.

To make it better Jolie joined us at my home studio which is just a spare room in my house and now it's both of them picking on me. Why I ever confide in Finneas and Jo is beyond me.

"Ezra has a boyfriend, Ezra has a boyfriend!" They both sing making me groan and hide behind my hands.

"You know we're just picking," Jo said poking me. "If anything we're happy you're showing human emotion about a love interest!"

"Okay, first of all, he is not my boyfriend-"

"Ezra, you both acted like a fucking couple after 8 hours of knowing each other. Claudia and I didn't get to the sweet pillow talk shit until 5 months into our relationship."

"Anyway, it was sex. A few night stands! You two are the only ones who know and I'm hoping it stays that way. I don't like that I think I want him, I'm scared and freaking out and what if he doesn't want me? I mean it's fine but I've never had this feeling or connection before with anyone... ever. I mean yeah the sex is great but it's so much more than that. It's like my soul craves him. It's been three hours and I fucking miss him!"

The feeling I had with Harry already scared me more than I wanted to admit and them teasing wasn't helping.

"Ezra, feeling this way for Harry is normal. It's okay to want to be happy in a relationship again. You're 27, you always talked about wanting to settle down and have kids. It's okay to want that, and maybe Harry is that person for you. Or maybe he isn't, but you won't know unless you try." Jo's word stung but I knew she was right.

The truth is, I do want that. I want someone to spend forever with. I'm so tired of being lonely. But it feels impossible for me to get over my fear of relationships, my ex filled my head with so much worry and doubt about myself that I feel incapable of being in a relationship.

The thought of being vulnerable with someone else makes me want to cry. And Harry already knows more than I ever expected.

"Well, for now we have an album to make so let's get down the vocals for Kissing Other People," I was thankful for Finneas interruption and I gave him a small nod before stepping into the recording area.

Jo was in charge of taking pictures and videos so I could look back on the process.

I fucking hate my brain. All I could think about while recording was Harry. The way his kiss felt. The way it was so easy being me with him. Then I thought about how I'd feel if he was kissing other people.

What the fuck? We have no claim over each other. So why did I get a wave of jealousy and my heart clenched in my chest at the thought.

This is why I can't do relationships. I'm already planning a hypothetical scenario where he'd kiss someone else and I'd have to go through that hurt.

I'd either break up with him or stay until I couldn't take it anymore. I'd probably be broken after a breakup. Especially with Harry. He makes me feel so... Alive. So wanted. He kisses my body as if it was a privilege. As if he thinks he was lucky to be so intimate with me.

I want nothing more than to be over my fear but I don't know how to begin. At what point do you say 'fuck it' and go for it?

"That sounded amazing! This track is amazing," Finneas said as the instruments faded out and he was already clicking away on his keyboard.