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New Perspectives- Part 4

Cleo.

"What's going on?" she asked as soon at the door closed. Olivia shrugged before sinking onto the bed, leaving Cleo to crouch in front of her girlfriend. "Did something happen? Why are you acting like this?"

"Like what?" Olivia said, burrowing her head in her hands.

"Like one second you're fine and happy and the next you're pissed with me for some reason."

Olivia let out a groan. "I feel sick."

"This is hopeless," Cleo said, shaking her head. "Just... talk to me." Olivia said nothing. "You can't be upset and not tell me what's wrong.

Olivia's eyes were glazed over and her mouth turned downwards. "If you want to break up with me, just tell me."

"What?" Cleo took a moment to process. "Why would you say that?"

"Because, all you ever talk about is going to school an hour away." Olivia sucked in a breath. "If you think maybe long distance is going to be difficult... if you want a fresh start at your new school..."

"Is that what you want? You want to break up?" Cleo stood once more, feeling herself getting angry.

"I'm just... saying that if you do want... to break up, you can tell me."

"It sounds like you want to break up but you're too scared to say it."

"I don't."

"Then why would you even bring that up?"

"Because, you won't shut up about Swelyn!"

"God, Via," Cleo said. "I'm allowed to be excited! This is a big deal for me."

"I know, I know. I know it's a big deal. But every... single... conversation... is about this school. It's tiring," Olivia said, her speech still slurred.

"How was I supposed to know that? I cannot read your mind," Olivia shook her head in response. "What you can't do is tell me that you're going to kill yourself if I don't stop talking about it. That's not fucking fair."

"I didn't mean to say that," Olivia hiccuped. "It was just supposed to stay in my head. I'm just supposed... to be happy for you, but I can't... stop waiting for you to break up with me."

Cleo huffed out an angry breath. "You don't even want to try? You're just giving up on us?"

"No," Olivia said, her head in her palms again. "I just... I just..."

"If you want to break up, fucking say it," Cleo spat, her voice growing louder. "At least be brave enough to tell me."

Olivia has begun to cry now, shaking her head as her knees bobbed up and down, but she doesn't reply. She doesn't deny it.

"Why are you fucking doing this? You're trying to force me to break up with you." Olivia continued to cry. "Fucking talk to me, Olivia." It's then Cleo realizes that she's crying too, and she's not even sure why. "For fuck's sake." Olivia looked up then and spoke shakily.

"I'm the one who's getting left behind," she shouted through sobs. Olivia extended her hand to the side, pointing towards nothing. "You're going to leave... and meet new people... and live in a new place... and I'm the one who's getting left behind. You keep acting like everything is fine, like me visiting and calling you is going to make this feel the same, but it won't. It won't be alright," she spat out, her eyes darting wildly about the room. "It won't be alright. It's going to be horrible for me. I'm getting left here all by myself and here you are: talking about it like it's the best thing ever. And it makes me feel like shit. It's like... you're looking forward to getting rid of me. Like you can't wait to get away from me. Finally you won't have this horrible issue to worry about."

Cleo blinked back at her, completely stunned. "What do you want me to do, Olivia? Not go to this school?" She runs a hand through her hair unsteadily. "Because that's what it sounds like you're saying."

"No... no, I'm not-"

"You have no right to be annoyed with me about this! I'm leaving for this school. That's just the way this is."

Olivia looks at her, eyes wide and filled with tears. "Why are you being like this?"

"What? What am I being like?" Olivia just shakes her head again. "I don't understand you anymore, Olivia. You fucking confuse me."

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"Why are you apologizing?" Olivia shrugged as tears fell down her cheeks. "This is fucking exhausting."

"I know," she let out. "I know that I'm exhausting."

"I never said that-"

"I know that everything with the video and my mom and whatever mental shit I've got going on makes this hard and I don't blame you for wanting it to end. I wouldn't want to stay here either. Not with someone like me holding you here." Cleo gulped before shaking her head. "I just want you to know I'm trying really hard, okay? I talked to my mom and I'm going to start therapy and I'm going to fix this issue."

"Olivia," Cleo muttered. "It's not... It's not an issue to be fixed. You're not an issue."

"I can't... I think maybe I'm not okay right now. I'm so, so sorry. I just think that maybe... I'm not okay right now. I think I need help, Cleo. I think I need help."

Cleo nodded, and whatever anger was still left in her smoothed itself out. She sat beside Olivia on the bed and let her girlfriend sob into her shoulder.

"I'm so sorry. Please don't give up on me," she repeated, over and over. Cleo felt herself begin to cry again as she listened, holding the person she loved more than anything. And, while she knew it wasn't true, Cleo felt like she was the sole blame for Olivia's issues. Her mental state had been cause by something bigger than just this fight, but guilt still swarmed Cleo. It seemed as if every odd against them had funneled into this. And now, as Cleo imagined her life at her new school, she didn't see Olivia. She saw her far off, smiling wider, doing better. Cleo was nothing but a weight to her.

They sat like that for a long time, until Cleo's shirt was damp with tears and Olivia's eyes were red and purple from crying. They spent the night in a stranger's bedroom, exchanging "I'm sorry" and "I forgive you". They left too much unspoken, leaving the words to do a funny waltz in the air as they sat.

I still don't want you to go. I wish it wasn't so far. Why do you have to leave me? I wish I didn't have to. Take me with you. I wish I could.

I wish, I wish, I wish.