Drumbeats into My Heart

50. Jordi Looks for Comfort

The music—the song by Above and Beyond that Seth had played for me the day we kissed—thumps through the headphones and into my brain. I'm adrift. My dad has since gone to bed and I'm at the computer, eyes shut tight against the reality I'm too terrified to face.

I'm mentally deficient. I don't need a test to tell me that. To confirm to faculty and everyone else involved in administering it that I'm substandard. My life had been fine. Just fine. Until Seth had to announce to a roomful of people that maybe I have a learning disability. I've never been so mortified in my life.

When the song ends for the third time, I slip the headphones off. I don't feel any better. The song isn't working its magic the way it's supposed to. There's no light ahead. The only thing I feel is Seth's betrayal. Why did I think listening to this song would help? All it does is remind me of him.

I sigh and lean back. The old office chair squeaks in protest. My eyes fall to my phone on the desk. I slide a hand over it, hesitant. I need to talk to someone. Not Winnie, though. She doesn't understand. She's on his side. That's two counts of betrayal.

My fingers tap the familiar button sequence, then hover over the call button.

Maybe this is a bad idea, but what else can I do? This pain is unbearable. I need to feel normal again.

I tap the button.

I smile when he picks up on the second ring. "Hi, Dustin."

"Jordi, wussup? I knew you'd come around." His confident voice filters into my ear and settles my nerves. This is familiar. This I can deal with.

"I was thinking about you." I say, closing my eyes and moving myself to the couch.

"I was thinking about you too, babe."

I picture his easy smile and his ridiculous soul patch. Maybe I can convince him to get rid of it. "What have you been up to?"

"Oh, you know, kicking ass. We've already raised five hundred dollars. The new uniforms are going to be killer."

"That's great."

"So what changed your mind?"

"What?" My eyes snap open. I'm not sure how to answer why I'm crawling back to him now.

"It's the soul patch, isn't it? I knew it would be a chick magnet. If it worked for Apolo Ohno, it'll work for me."

"Who?"

"Oh, come on, you remember Apolo Ohno, Olympic speed skater? The dude shredded on the ice."

"I, uh, don't follow sports. You know that."

"Oh yeah, that's all right. You're still my girl."

His girl. I ponder what that means to me. Do I feel a flutter of joy about it? Not really. "Dustin, what do you like about me?"

"What kind of question is that? You're hot! Plus you helped me pass Trig. You're, like, the smartest girl I know."

"Thanks." He obviously doesn't know a lot of girls, but it still makes me feel good.

"Hey, wanna hang out tomorrow?"

"Sure, it'll have to be after I get back from my gig. It's not another car wash, is it?"

"Nah, I don't want you skipping out on me a second time." Surprisingly, he doesn't sound upset about that day. Dustin always was a laid-back guy. It's one of the things I like most about him.

Guilt worms its way in. I can't quite put a finger on why. Is it because I feel bad about bailing on him at the car wash? That was kind of rude of me. Then again, he sort of turned into a different person as soon as we got there.

Of course, there's another more plausible reason I might be feeling guilty.

Because I called Dustin instead of Seth.

Voting never causes guilt. ;)