Metanoia

Chapter 43

It's been two months since I was released from hospital and it's been difficult, to say the least.

I know they mean well but Santiago and my brothers have been overbearing lately. At first it was nice being waited on at all hours of the day and never having to get up but I can't stand it anymore. I'm never alone and I never have any privacy, Santiago literally waits outside the door while I'm in the bathroom.

The doctor ordered that I stay on bedrest which made me really depressed for a while. At first Santiago or one of my brothers took turns staying with me throughout the day, they even took time off work to look after me but they eventually had to go back. 'The mafia can't run itself' Lorenzo would say.

Since then it's just been me and the babies, who are now huge and pressing on my bladder every five minutes. I've mostly been alone with my thoughts which put me in a very negative head space, Lorenzo was the first to notice my change in mood and contacted my therapist, Dr. Sutton. 

Last week she visited the house and we talked for the entire day. I confided in her the main problem weighing on my brain, would I be a good mother. I told her how I felt ashamed of all the evil things I've done and this person I've become and how I'm petrified that my actions will somehow affect my children.

How could they grow up to be good people when their mother is a murderous psychopath?

She tried to convince me that I am a good person, and when I strongly disagreed she decided that we should read some of my old journals.

We read entries from when I was younger, from when I was Darcy and she asked me why I didn't see myself as her anymore. At first I couldn't really give her an answer, we pretty much have the same core values and beliefs so I eventually landed on the answer 'she was weak'.

To which she responded, you weren't weak you were a child.

After we had that talk I had to ask myself a question, who am I? I feel as if I don't even know myself anymore. Sin was a character I was forced to portray but now there's no one forcing me to be her anymore.

I decided that I wanted to be a better person and regain the positive characteristics that I used to possess, like compassion and empathy. I want to be someone my children can look up to and be proud of and I doubt when they're older they'll be proud to say 'my mom is a licensed killer.'

I told my family and friends I wanted to go by Darcy again, which my brothers were very happy about. At first I wanted to forget ever being Darcy, Ivan put it in my head that I should be embarrassed of my former self but as I look through old pictures of me and my old journals, I realise that there was nothing wrong with me.

Anyway today is a big day, It's halloween and I've finally convinced the boys to let me out the house alone. Well obviously Lorenzo will have me trailed with undercover security but it's better than nothing.

I'm meeting Elena, who I haven't seen since that night at the club because she had to return back to her family in Russia. We've been speaking almost everyday on face time and let's just say she almost had a heart attack when I told her I was pregnant. 

We're having a little halloween 'party' if you could even call it that. Me, Elena and some friends I met online on a pregnancy support forum are going to get cute little costumes and have a scary movie night.

I met Davide and Joseph online and I found out that they only live thirty minutes from me, they're expecting a baby girl in four months with their surrogate, Sandra. We hit it off and have become good friends ever since, we often share new tips we've learned on how to prepare for a newborn baby, or babies in my case.

The plan for today is for me, Davide and Joseph to have a little shopping trip and to pick up costumes and snacks for tonight while Elena picks up the gender reveal cake and meets us later on.

I've been waiting to reveal the gender until she flew over, It wouldn't feel right doing it without her.

I'm not particularly looking forward to walking around town all day, now that I'm six months I get winded just walking up the stairs but nevertheless I slip on my shoes and head towards the stairs.

"Are you sure these are decent people?" Santiago asks worriedly while supporting my arm as I walk down the stairs. 

"Yes, Lorenzo has already vetted them," I reassure him for the sixth time today. Lorenzo wouldn't let me hang out with anyone that he hasn't run a furrow background search on.

"And are you sure they're gay, they could just be lying to try something on you," He asks. "Well they must be very dedicated to their lie if they're willing to get married and have a baby together just to get with me," I chuckle, rolling my eyes at his lunacy.

"You're right," He nods as we make it to the front door. I can tell he's feeling conflicted about letting me go out, I think watching me have a seizer has caused him to develop some serious anxiety.

Slightly using my tippy toes, I lean into kiss him. Our lips connect as I cup his face, he groans as I pull away.

"I'm always right," I remind him as I open the door and walk out, not before feeling a slap land on my ass cheek. "Hey!" I jump, causing him to chuckle as the front door closes behind me.

A smile is still plastered on my face as I make my way to the garage, hopping into the pink Porsche Santiago bought me as my first, and I quote 'push present.'

He's been showering me with gifts this whole pregnancy, I think he feels guilty for all the stress the babies have been putting on my body. His face always morphs into one of anguish when he sees me in pain, even if it's something as trivial as my back or feet hurting. 

I drive steadily down the driveway and down the long country roads on my way to town.