Love on the Scale

Chapter Thirteen

Neil found me the next day at lunch, and sat down across from me at the table. He didn't speak, and didn't watch me like he often did, instead setting down his plate of food and digging in. I continued to chew, glanced around the room, and looked back at him.

"Hi?"

He glanced up, and smiled his beautiful smile. "Hey." Then he kept eating, taking big bites of his burger. Around us, models lounged around and talked, or texted. Most of them weren't eating.

I took another bite of salad, trying not to look at his burger. Was he trying to tempt me? He hadn't sat with me for a few days; I'd thought he was mad at me. James disappeared every day at lunch, so he didn't sit with me either. Since I had no friends, I ate alone. Which was fine... I was fine.

"So, look, you don't have to think anymore about going out with me on Saturday," Neil said without warning, and I stopped chewing, looking up.

"What?"

"You don't have to think anymore. I don't think it's a good idea. So that's it, you know?"

He was taking back his offer, like I'd wanted him to since the moment he asked. I'd wanted him to drop it... and he just had. My lips pressed together, and I nodded. I couldn't speak, or I knew I'd fall apart. So I kept eating.

Neil's eyes bore into the top of my head. "Chris?"

"Hm?" Don't open your mouth, Chris... you'll start crying. You will not cry in front of a male model.

"Hey, I didn't mean anything bad. Don't cry-"

"I'm not crying!" I snapped. But my eyes filled. I knew not to speak. "I don't care, seriously. I didn't want to go anyway."

I stood, gathered my lunch, and ran. Ran like I'd wanted to often, but never had. I ended up in the closet, passed Maggie, and ended up in a hidden section behind some clothes. Neil came looking for me a couple minutes later, but Maggie snapped she wasn't my babysitter, and he sighed. He ran back out, and I sighed in relief.

"Thanks, Maggie."

"Hmph."

* * * * *

"I didn't know you could be so cruel."

I looked up from my grocery list. "What?"

James didn't look at me, reaching up to grab a can of beans for an old woman, who smiled and thanked him before moving down the aisle. Then he raised his eyebrows at me. "You're not giving Neil an answer on purpose. He's gone from being sure you'd say yes, to worried you're going to stop speaking to him altogether. He's a wreck."

Neil hadn't told him? "Have you seem him today?"

"Yeah, right before lunch."

"Neil said he didn't want to anymore. He took back his offer."

His mouth dropped open. "What? He didn't tell me anything about that."

I shrugged, looked back down at my list. "Yeah. Doesn't matter. I didn't want to go anyway."

"Chris, I know you were going to say yes. You draw things out until the last second; that's just you."

"No, I wasn't. I'm going to get the rest of this stuff-"

"Wait-"

I shook my head and walked off; I didn't watch to see if he followed. He'd been so pushy about my answering Neil, but he wouldn't need to be anymore. Neil had realized his mistake and backtracked. I should have been happy. But I couldn't get rid of the sorrow in my chest. The humiliation. Whether I'd admitted it or not a part of me had been hopeful that Neil could have liked me. I should have known better. Next time I would.

James' relationship seemed to be going great, though. But ever since he'd started seeing his secret girlfriend, he'd started spouting stuff that sounded a heck of a lot like poetry, to explain what I was doing to Neil. I was either "preventing the sun from rising" or "killing the plant before it had time to grow" or some other bull.

It was like witnessing a rebirth. My brother was being molded, and formed all over again, by a woman I'd never met. Why didn't he want me to meet her? Was he embarrassed of me? That was probably it. He didn't want me scaring her off is all. Or maybe he didn't want her knowing he lived with his little sister. Was I really a burden to him?

When I looked down at my list, I saw everything crossed off. I'd gone around and gathered up everything we needed without thinking about it. I found James where I left him, with someone I didn't leave him with. A woman.

James had a grin on his face bigger than I'd ever seen on him before, and I knew. It was his secret woman. The one he didn't want to meet me. She was gorgeous, all soft curves in the right places, but fit. Toned. I didn't want to interrupt them, but I needed his card to pay for everything, so I pushed the cart up the aisle, reminding myself to smile.

"Hey, gotta pay for this; need your card."

His smile faltered, and he glanced from me to the woman. His fear was obvious.

The woman's eyes brightened when they landed on me. "You must be Christelle. James has told me so, so much about you."

Then she hugged me. Tight. "It's so good to finally meet you- for some reason he hasn't wanted us to meet. I ask and ask but he says 'no, that's not a good idea'."

It was a struggle to keep my smile in place, but I did. "Nice to meet you too..."

"Oh, Brandi." She pinched my cheek. "You are every bit as cute as James said."

Oh god. "James can I have your card?"

"Chris, look, it's not because of what you're thinking."

"I'm honestly not thinking anything. I'm glad you're happy, and that's it. Card."

He hands it over, and I fled, breaking away from his little bubble of happiness. After paying for everything, I took it out and loaded into his pickup, then got in the car, where I sat in silence.

Part of me wanted to cry, but most of me just felt angry. No not angry, I was full-on pissed off! Why was I always the girl rejected, and the girl people were embarrassed to have others meet? Why couldn't I have any friends? The answer was simple:

Because I let it happen. My life was a mess, and I always stood by and let it happen. If I wanted things to change, I would have to break away from my usual routine and make them change.