Thoughts Of Me, Sorry.

real talk1.0

Real talk. Let's have a moment of honesty and rawness. (warning no edits were allowed during this process. It came from the real me not this perfect image of a man)

It is 3:24..in the morning of course..and honestly this has become a pattern of mine..I'm either at this point going to town messaging a ton of guys ... Or I'm in this deep selfless dark state of self loathing. And the world decides the best way to fix it is to hand me a bandaid ( metaphorically) I take that bandaid and I get it. I know exactly what the. And world says to that kind of thinking. Fix it they say. And hand you a bandaid. As I F that bandaid could cover the entire hollowed caverns and magically put everything back together and mend what the harsh water washed away and brought up from my core. I take the bandaid and I turn with a smile and a ache in my heart. Let's get back on topic, I'm now, if you haven't guessed, in the dark side. Well. Its mostly just this feeling of loneliness but deeper. Like a feeling of just pure alone. Like if you ever got lost in the woods as a kid in you look in every direction and a lump forms in your throat urging you to scream while your stomach is tying in knots wanting to expell everything you ate in the past day and oh as all these things can be pretty scary or distracting but the worst thing of all. The thing that makes it haunt you for the rest of your life. It's the mindframe you automatically put yourself in. The reality of being alone. And I mean fucking alone..and scared.. so fucking scared. But the only thing that separates me from that little boy. Is that I know now it's a lot harder to die. And that's what's really terrifying. There's more to death than just the passing. Theres the mourning of your loved ones and the responsibility of all your daily duties will be put on someone else. And someone else would have to take care of nathin. My cat. And I can't see that happening he's to stubborn. Again the point is not only do you deal with the guilt and the constant fuck ups you do living. But you have guilt building up for no reason when you think about death. The realism of life is I've seen so much death. I've seen it take people that I loved and I've seen it take people that deserved a long happy life and there are people like me that is not ready to die and by all means not suicidal but constantly wants to move on from this life. These ups and downs or whatever doctors call it are not up and downs it's a vertical graph or a scale of 1-10 and when you are staying around 1 or maybe 2 for over a month there's an issue. I'm counting on myself but I keep letting myself down. I just want to be normal and be happy and go have fun. But I'm stuck on my couch I haven't, showered for days and and moping like fucking like I'm having my midlife crisis. This is...to..be.. continued.