Beautifully Broken

19

Clarissa

Jill waits for me to explode. I hope she's ready.

"First, I realize through my best friend, not my own husband, that I was a bad mom. I'm trying to do better but it was a painful slap on the face." I say, trying to stay calm.

Jill nods and motions for me to keep going.

"Then, I walk in to my husband on my own daughter. Our daughter." I continue, my hands waving in the air. "I find out, I get hurt and go to the hospital, she tells me it's been going on for years, she gets hurt and goes to the hospital, more things happen at school, we both get hurt and nearly die. My own baby nearly died because of his boss, his friends, him!"

Tears run down my face now. We're outside in her car. Sparing people from my dramatic and painful scene.

"You saw how we fell in love. You know how bad it was. I love him, Jill. He loved me. I thought he would be the perfect father. And he was. Until this man came in. But even then, it was his decision. He didn't actually have to do it. But he did! And he liked it. He liked not having me around." My voice breaks at the last line. "When he made love to me that night after just abusing our daughter, I thought things could go right again. But it's all so wrong. Too wrong."

I slam my hands on the dashboard and Jill tilts her head. "It's amazing how God loves us so much and how Jesus died for each one of us when so many clearly don't deserve it. We all don't but you know what I mean. I'm so glad His love is so much better and so perfect compared to human love. If I were god, the human race would be endangered." I whisper with a hoarse laugh.

Jill nods along, her hand on my back now.

"I just- I don't see how things are supposed to change or get better with his confession. It's a confession for goodness' sake, it's real! How do I deal with that? My own daughter is stronger than I am. I'm so, so-" I break down. My chest heaving and my words mush together. "How do I accept him? Forgive him? Let him in? Do I even? And what about the secret he kept? His sister? How deeply connected are we to that boss of his? Are we in danger? Will I lose all I know? Will any of us die because of this?"

Jill strokes my hair, clearing out the knots, listening quietly.

"What do I do?" I ask for the last time as I let the tears carry me away.

Jill doesn't say anything. She turns on the radio and songs start to play.

I'm so confused
I know I heard You loud and clear
So I followed through
Somehow I ended up here

I don't wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of Your plan
When I try to pray, all I get is hurt,
and these four words

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done

I know You're good
But this don't feel good right now
I know You think things
I could never think about

It's hard to count it all joy
distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense of all Your promises
Sometimes I have to stop and remember that You're God and I am not so

Thy will be done

I try to relate the song and sing it in my heart as a prayer. I really don't understand. I really am confused. I've only recently started going to church. God, how do I trust for Your will to be done?