The Silent Deceivers

Chapter 17

Reasons Why

Inhale, exhale, Seven. Inhale, exhale, Eight. Inhale, exhale, Nine. Inhale, exhale, Ten. Breathe.   

It had worked. Panic attack diverted. I lifted my eyes from the picture frame I had been staring at for the last five minutes. I slowly clasped the glass of water from Lisa’s hand and sipped it. My heart was still beating fast. Abby’s tone was still was ringing in my ears. All the information I had been told was still floating through my head. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t process it.

Andy’s head appeared around the door frame, and beckoned Lisa out to hallway. She got up and left, pulling to door shut behind her. I studied the room to find that only I was left, sitting on the cream sofa. I thought back to the huddle of people surrounding me as I was helped into the living room a few minutes ago. I heard the door click open behind me and saw Connor standing there.

“Hey.” He said, tone loving and soft.

“Hey.” I whispered in reply as he walked over to the sofa and pulled me up into a bear hug. I stayed there entangled in his arms, not trusting myself to be strong enough to be released.

His whisper of “I’m so sorry.” was all that it took to start the flow of tears that I had been trying to withhold. He held me there, not speaking, not moving just silence as I sobbed clutching his dark blue t-shirt that reeked of cider. It was the first time he’d ever seen me cry.

I broke away and sat down. He sat down next to me and began to inform me that Roxy had gone to pass on the information to the others, that she would be back shortly and that he had been given permission to stay the night by Lisa. A cheeky smile spread across his face but was soon wiped off as I threw the pillow I had been hugging across the room. I guessed what he was thinking.

“No!” I said.

He giggled to himself then slid closer to me. I rolled my eyes as he fake yawned and placed his arm around my shoulders but I didn’t complain.

“Cheese, utter cheese” I sighed as I snuggled down into him. He raised his hand gently to my hair and scraped it back off my face. Our eyes locked and we shared a sad smile.

I sat up. “What if it’s my fault he’s dead?” I asked my voice raw with emotions.

“It’s not your fault. You had no way of knowing. You mustn’t think like that babe.” Connor said pulling me back into his arms and before I knew it I felt my eyelids become heavy and sleep devoured me.  I don’t know how many hours of sleep I got that night but I know it wasn’t very many. I remember waking up screaming, and shooting bolt upright like a burglar was in the house, numerous of times from nightmares, only to be pulled back down into Connors chest, his hand gently stroking my hair to calm me down.

 When I woke up later on that morning I was alone, cocooned in the cream furry blanket that normally hung over the back of the sofa, head on a cushion. I sat up groggily. Reviewing the event of the night before, I remembered Abby’s voice, her words. I recalled David’s body being covered over with a blue police plastic sheet. Watching it being lifted into the private ambulance. Blue lights and blaring sirens of the police cars as they drove down the drive leaving a sea of grieving people, blue and white tape everywhere and a promise to be back in the morning.