Never Alone

Chapter 16

Chapter Sixteen

After we had all taken our showers we met back in the boys' room to play with a deck of cards the nurse with the dark brown hair had given us. Other kids were walking around, hanging out in each other's rooms and speaking with the nurses. I sat with my back to the door so I could get out quickly if my anxiety became too much. I was feeling more comfortable with the group, but I would never again let my guard down.

We played poker for a while, a few of us learning the game since we hadn't ever played before. No one talked about the events of the morning. It was something private that we had experienced and as long as ears that didn't belong to our group were around, we wouldn't speak of it. We couldn't miss the way other kids looked at us as they passed by. I wasn't sure what they were there for, but I knew their reasons must be different than ours. They seemed more settled in, with some sort of inherent understanding that they were here for a while, while our group felt temporary, transient.

A voice from the PA system let us know it was almost time to shut off the lights for the night. Ken didn't hesitate to move himself closer to his bed. It would take him longer to get settled, given his cast and the wheelchair. He seemed determined to do it without any help. He pulled himself onto his bed, a task that was a lot harder than it sounded. We all knew he didn't want to ask for any more help. Maybe there was a part of him that felt like he should be punished for what he'd done. Once his rear was on the edge of the twin mattress, he was able to lift his casted leg onto the bed. The stark white cast reminded me of the time I broke my arm as a child. I must have been about eight at the time. By the next day at school there wasn't a space left on my cast after my classmates and friends had signed it. His cast was noticeably clear of signatures and encouraging messages.

He folded the pillow so his head was slightly elevated. Even though he was almost too big for that little bed, he looked like a child in it. I remembered the bridge we had passed in his hometown and the way he had been seen as a legend and celebrity. I wished I could give him a small taste of that again, because I knew that he was lying there wishing all this was behind him. We'd all fallen from some sort of pedestal when we decided to try and take our own lives, but his was clearly so much higher than ours and his fall so much bigger.

He pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket and unfolded it. We'd seen the list of groups that were meeting this week on the table near the cafeteria. He read the list and I wondered if he'd considered stopping in to one of the groups.

"What's that?" Damien asked when he lifted himself up from the floor. His hair was still wet from his shower.

"It's nothing," Ken answered, folding the paper back into a small rectangle and shoving it into his pocket. Damien glanced over at him as he pulled back the sheets on his own bed.

"How long are you going to have to wear that cast?" he asked, changing the subject.

"I don't know. I have an appointment with the orthopedic surgeon in a few days." Ken shut his eyes. I suspected he wasn't being honest with the staff about how much pain he was in. Maybe the throbbing gave him something to concentrate on other than the mess he'd left behind. If he could concentrate on the way he felt his pulse pounding up against the pressure of the cast, he wouldn't have to sit with the knowledge that he'd only made a bigger problem out of something that already felt immeasurable.

Damien took off his glasses and set them on the bedside table. "How bad is your vision?" Ken asked quietly. Damien took a large breath as if quickly trying to decide if Ken would use the information against him in some way. Guys like Ken were always hard on kids like him. They had something to prove. They wanted their friends to know how strong and intimidating they were and smaller, less aggressive boys like Damien were an easy target. Something about Ken must have communicated that he wasn't in the best frame of mind to harass anyone.