Never Alone

Chapter 24

Chapter Twenty-Four

"Has everyone thought about today and what it might be like to be in this session?" Dr. Crimm asked.

The seven of us were sitting in the circle again in the treatment room at R2L. This time we knew what we were in for. My anxiety was revved up, making my hands shake and my stomach vibrate beneath my navel. Damien's hands were tapping on his head and his body was rocking rhythmically in his chair.

"I still want to do it," Ken answered. He looked pale. His forehead was covered in a thin sheen of sweat and there were dark bags beneath his eyes.

"You've thought about what it might be like to see your trauma again?" Dr. Crimm leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees. "You understand that everyone will be watching what's happening inside your mind as it happens?"

Ken nodded. "I'm not saying I'm looking forward to it, but I want to see it all." He turned to Damien. "Are you sure you're still okay taking it with me? I want you to know I'll understand either way. I've thought about it and if it's not what you think is right for you, don't do it."

Damien paused as he listened to Ken's words. Dr. Crimm didn't push him for an answer or wedge herself between them, she just waited as Damien gathered his thoughts and considered his options. Time seemed unimportant in that room with no clocks on the wall, and together we waited.

Damien raked his hands through his hair and then let them fall between his knees. He looked up at all of us, but then focused his attention on Ken. "I'll do it."

"That's what you want?" Dr. Crimm asked.

"Yes. I was going to do it for him. I wanted to help him get the answers he needed or the closure he thought he would get." Damien's eyes stayed on Ken's. "What you said last night I could relate to. You told me you wanted to see everything that helped push you off the bridge. I've lived my whole life wanting to know what it's like to be inside someone else's head. I've been told my brain works differently—that I just don't understand." He shook his head and laughed shortly, a chuckle without humor. "You're right. We owe it to ourselves. I was going to do this for you, but now I'm doing it for me, too. If I can see myself from a neurotypical perspective, maybe I'll finally understand why I always end up alone."

Ken put his fist out and Damien bumped it. Marco did the same. Damien's lips curled up slightly, the small gesture probably routine for Marco and Ken but significant for a boy who never felt he truly belonged in a group.

"Marco?" Dr. Crimm turned to him. "How are you feeling about watching Ken and Damien take the medication?"

"I think they're making the right choice," Marco answered.

Dr. Crimm smiled. "That's a thought, not a feeling." She said it in a way that required a different answer, but was still playful enough that it didn't come across as scolding or prying.

Marco sighed and rolled his eyes, but then smiled as he answered, "I'm feeling nervous for them but happy, too. I feel jealous that they will get some answers today and I'm starting to think I really want to get some answers of my own. I'm also afraid." His last admission took the humor from the conversation and allowed a thick cloud of seriousness to fill the room.

"What's your fear?" she asked.

"It's my turn next. I'm afraid of what I'll see. I'm afraid Koralee might decide she doesn't want to take the medication." He cleared his throat and I had to swallow down the lump that was forming in my own. My stomach bounced and shook as I thought about the pressure I'd feel after today—the pressure I was already feeling, knowing I was Marco's last hope.