Just Me Again.

15: It Is Just Me

MARIA WAYNE

I didn't what to say. I was shaking. I know I told him to move on – I, myself tried to move on, but I didn't expect that Silas would find someone so soon. Maybe I am the one who is stuck up. He moved on and that's what I wanted, but still, it hurts to know that he found someone else. I should be happy. I can't be upset. I HAVE to be happy. I let out a chuckle – I forced it out. Remember, Maria you have to be happy for him and yourself. Isn't it great that he moved on? He forgot you. Now it will be easy for you to move on as well. Yes, I don't have to be upset. I shouldn't feel incapacitated. "That's – that's great." I choked out. Tears betrayed me. My eyes were getting wet. Why am I crying? I wanted him out of my life – I pushed him out and it worked. You have no right to be upset, Maria. This is all you wanted.

Charlie kept looking at me. Her eyes pitied me. Why was she looking at me like that? I don't need pity. I am happy, right? I AM happy. I gulped down the lump I felt in my throat, "You – you didn't have to hide it from me, Charlie. I am happy for him. I am." I lied to her and myself. She didn't say anything. Her eyes started to get glossy. "That's exactly what I wanted, no? I wanted him out of my life and he did what I wanted. He moved on." I forced a laugh. No matter how much I tried to hide my tears behind the fake laughter – a fat tear fell out of my eyes. I hurriedly wipe it off and chuckled, "Why am I crying now?" I asked Charlie who had tears falling from her eyes as well. "I shouldn't cry. I have no right to cry now. I wanted this." I laughed as the ache in my heart increased. "I wanted this to happen! I wanted him to move on!" I yelled out as the tears pour out of my eyes. "That's what I needed! That is what I asked for!" I yelled out. "I want to be happy, Charlie. I want to be happy, but – but I can't." I broke down. I sobbed out, "I can't, Charlie. It hurts." I whispered as I cried.

Her lower lip wobbled, "Maria." She whispered and embraced me in a hug. I broke down in her arms. I cried out loud. I cried because I couldn't move on. I love him – why can't I stop loving him? Why do I still love him? Charlie didn't say anything – she didn't tell me that everything will be okay. She didn't tell me that I will find someone better. She didn't utter a word but provided me a shoulder to cry on and that is exactly what I needed. I needed to take it out.

"When he said that he has to be somewhere else important tomorrow – he meant that he has to be with her, right?" I asked her lowly. Charlie's silence was enough for me. Her silence was my answer and I don't know why it hurt even more. Why can't I stop loving him?

I cried for God knows how long. I cried till my tears dried. Charlie was rubbing my shoulder and I was resting my head on her shoulder. We both didn't talk to each other. I was lost in my thoughts and she was lost in hers.

"What if you find someone better than me?" I asked Silas as I lay beside him on the bed. Silas stopped typing on the laptop and twirled his head to look at me. I felt his gaze on my face, but I didn't look back at him – instead, I kept staring at the ceiling. This morning, Ruby was telling about her friend's daughter, and from what I have heard – she is a perfect girl. She has been Silas's good friend and I couldn't help, but think what f Silas gets bored of me. What if he finds someone much better than me?

"Where is this coming from?" He asked bewilderedly.

I sighed and tossed on the bed to face him. He looked down at me and closed the laptop. "I am just asking." I shrugged. "What if you find someone better than me? Someone more beautiful, more intelligent, more smart – you know, more of your type." I said.

He frowned and held my arm before making me sitting on the bed. "You are my type." He whispered as he cupped my face in his hands. I lowered my head. He put his finger under my chin and made me look into his mesmerizing eyes, "You are the most beautiful girl I have ever laid my eyes on. You are smarter than you think. You are perfect and you have no idea how lucky I consider myself to have you as my wife." He told me softly.