Star Witness

11

JESSE

My dad's 33rd birthday is on April 10th, which is not an ideal number, but not a horrible one. He seems surprised when I agree to come along to dinner.

Like most holidays, he spends it with the friends he's made out here. They're all like him, young directionless adults who drink a lot. In a way, it's strange to see him around people, strange to see him laugh. I wonder how few times I've looked at him before and really been able to see a human being.

"Does it ever feel weird?" I ask him on the drive home, feeling brave. "That you don't have any family to celebrate with."

Both his parents are dead. No siblings. He's got scattered cousins, maybe, aunts and uncles, but surely they're all back in Illinois and would be unremarkable even if they weren't.

I honestly know nothing about him.

He frowns. "Well... At first. And sometimes it still is... hard. But the family I've found here is just as real, I think."

Never mind that he left a whole body of blood relation in central Illinois.

My silence must imply this thought, because his demeanor changes. "You do know why I moved here, don't you?"

To get away from me, from us, from her. From my slump into the window, I eye him over my shoulder.

"Well, I grew up in Illinois, until my dad." I know the story of my grandfather; hung himself in the basement. I've got a great bloodline. "I was seventeen when he died, so I came out here with my mom. Didn't have a choice. I never even knew about you. I didn't find out about you at all until you were four and Helena took me to court to get child support money. My mom made them do a DNA test on us, to prove you were mine. That was the first time I saw you." He laughs. "You tried to bite the guy who was swabbing your cheek."

"Did I succeed?"

"No. You did make his job harder, though." Again, he sobers. "I didn't mind paying. I still loved Helena. God, the way she looked in that courtroom. She was all by herself." He's silent for a moment. Loving her, remembering her. "Anyway. I guess that was when I made my first mistake. They asked if I wanted any custody. I said no. I didn't want to drag Helena into court anymore, didn't want her to think I was trying to take you away. And, years went by, and she didn't ask again, which made me assume you didn't. But maybe I shouldn't have assumed."

"I didn't ask," I admit.

Red lights of passing cars glint in his dark eyes. "I think that's sort of bullshit. Saying I didn't want to fight anymore. That was part of it, but I also just--I wasn't good enough. You know, when I was twenty, I couldn't hold down a job, I was pretending like snorting dope instead of shooting it meant I wasn't still addicted to it. I would rather you didn't know me than have a confirmed loser for a father. And I didn't feel like I had anything to offer you." He hesitates, then adds, "Still don't, really."

I glance at him. Still, I see no similarities. I have always been a clone of my mother, minus the eyes. And I surprise myself with what I say. "Mom was worse."

"But you loved her." And that, I know, is the difference. Daniel squeezes the steering wheel. "I'm sorry, Jesse."

I scratch my wrist, counting out the back and forth. Sets of six.

"I'm clean now. From heroin. Still live in my mom's house. I really forgot about home when she died, too. From drinking. Couldn't handle having two parents who offed themselves."