Starship Odyssey | ONC 2021

Chapter Seven - All the Artful Ambiguities

"We greet you with peaceful intentions as agents of the polity known as the Consensus. Our starship is known as the Odyssey. We do not harbor bad feelings about the previous hostilities. We are lost in this region of space. We need starmaps so we can reoriented ourselves. If you can help us with starmaps, we can help you in exchange. The object we sent you earlier was a gift to demonstrate our peaceful intentions. The sounds it produces serve no purpose other than to be pleasant to listen to. Do not misinterpret its meaning. We request that you reply."

"It sounds stilted," said Dr. Eisenstein. "Is this your first draft?"

"We do not come off well," agreed Dr. Fido.

<Communicating with aliens without a good professional translator always sounds stilted,> explained Odysseus. <You have to avoid all the artful ambiguities that give language its flavor. Evaluate the contents only, not the poetry of it.>

"Broadly speaking I like it," said Dr. Birdwhistle. "I think it will be largely intelligible cross-species."

"So you think this will open up a dialogue?" asked Lulu, excited to have the usually curmudgeonly Birdwhistle on the side of optimism for once.

"Oh, no, I just think they'll understand it. I find it incredibly dubious that they'll believe you. Nothing is more suspicious to a war-like alien species than clearly stated peaceful intentions."

"He has a point," said Dr. Fido.

"Of course I have a point!" interjected Dr. Birdwhistle.

"Our lack of anger over their attempt to kill us is going to be very suspect," said Dr. Fido, pressing on.

"Are you suggesting we feign outrage over what amounted to little more than a free electromagnetic light show?" asked Lulu, crossing her arms, incredulous.

"Yes," said Dr. Fido.

"I should say so!" said Dr. Birdwhistle.

"We should," said Dr. Eisenstein.

"If we don't the aliens will assume we're only pretending to not be bothered by it so we can get them to let their guard down," continued Dr. Birdwhistle.

"That's horrible," said Lulu.

"It's a horrible galaxy," said Dr. Birdwhistle, with a shrug.

"We're not even in the Milky Way anymore!" Lulu protested.

"This galaxy could be even more horrible," said Dr. Eisenstein.

"Evidence is really mounting," agreed Dr. Fido.

The only thing worse than the Think Tank arguing was the Think Tank in agreement, Lulu decided.

"What do you think Odysseus?" asked Lulu.

<I agree with the Think Tank. It is unlikely the aliens would be as forgiving to us if we were to have initiated hostilities against them. They will naturally assume we would have a similar reaction to their own and therefore find our aberrant reaction suspicious.>

"This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard," said Lulu, her voice resigned.

"Welcome to xenology," said Dr. Birdwhistle, briefly squeezing her shoulder.

"What about: 'you have learned of the superiority of our defensive technology. Our weapons technology is of a similar level of advancement. If we chose to destroy you we could do so easily. If you engage in further hostilities against us we will destroy you.'," offered Dr. Eisenstein.

"No!" said Lulu, not shouting but emphatic. "That's way over the line."

"It does sound like a proportionate response," said Dr. Birdwhistle.

"I'm sure we'll be able to find a happy medium between completely ignoring an attempt to kill us and outright sabre rattling," said Dr. Fido.

He wasn't, but it seemed like the thing to say.

"Why not: 'we are choosing to ignore the previous hostilities. Be warned that future hostilities may provoke a reaction.'?" asked Dr. Birdwhistle.

"I like it," admitted Lulu. "It's firm but calm."

"I don't see any way to misinterpret that," agreed Dr. Eisenstein.

* * *

"It is exactly as I promised," said B-Sharp-F-Flat, who half-led, half-groveled before the magnificent Five-Cs as she showed her the way to the Farhearing Pod. "A transmission from the aliens unmistakably directed at you. Otherwise I would never have dared interrupt your worship."

"For you sake, I hope you are right," replied Five-Cs. It didn't sound as reassuring as B-Sharp-F-Flat would have liked.

Five-Cs settled onto a perch just beside the bulky transmission equipment. B-Sharp-F-Flat pressed a button to begin the playback. The alien message began to play, in stilted but perfectly accented Cryslish.

"Our intentions are submission to the will of God as soldiers of the Empire of Unanimity," the alien leader boomed. "Our sun machine is on a famous heroic journey. We cannot remember if you fought us in the past. Be advised that if you fight us in the future we may or may not engage in actions.

"We have come here from far away and cannot return. We require stellar directions to your home so that we might know where to travel. Our promises of good will and prosperity are contingent on your providing us with stellar directions to your home. The relic we sent you earlier was a holy tithe to demonstrate your submission to the will of God. You do not understand the meaning of the sounds it produces, which are pleasing to hear. Do not fail to understand the meaning of the sounds. You are directed to communicate with us."

The message could not be more clear: the aliens were messengers of God, come into creation from hyperspace through the solar irregularity. They intend to engage in a holy crusade to unite the galaxy into a single great Empire of Unanimity. The relic, and the associated taunting, is an attempt to demonstrate their spiritual superiority.

This was all blasphemy of the lowest sort, of course. Five-Cs knew the Chorus-Of-Notes were the true chosen of God, it was the most basic and fundamental of doctrines. These outsiders were mere pretenders. An obstacle in the path to enlightenment; a test by God to ensure that the faithful were worthy of the destiny chosen for them. If the Chorus-Of-Notes wanted to prove themselves as the chosen people they would have to be willing to destroy all rivals.

In the meantime it was vitally important to continue her research into the Holy Equations. If the equations had given the aliens the kind of power they had already displayed the mind boggled at what they might do for the true chosen of God.

First, however, she would reply to the alien threats.