Starship Odyssey | ONC 2021

Chapter Nine - Square Deal

"The aliens are becoming more and more sophisticated in their use of our language. The speed with which they are assimilating is remarkable-"

"I would have you waste no more of my time with unsolicited commentary and begin the alien message without delay," said Five-Cs, settled stiffly onto her perch.

B-Sharp-F-Flat played the message and then attempted to make herself as small as possible in a corner of the Farhearing Pod.

"We detect tasty flavors in your submission to the will of God. You are like us, and everyone is relieved. We are possessed of passionate desire to have your knowledge of the stars. We can provide you with another holy rock which you so covet, as a condition of the transfer of your knowledge of the stars. To us your theology is a respectful one although we assert God does not reside within the rocks. You will know the name of God and it is pleasing to hear. We speak the names of God and this happens often with no profound importance."

Strength respects strength, thought Five-Cs, immensely pleased with herself. She would pass this test. She would show God that her people were worthy of the path laid out for them.

"Hear how the aliens now show appropriate respect?" said Five-Cs. "I have shown them that we are siblings of faith. The aliens are offering us another holy relic in exchange for, if this translation is unsullied, our celestial cartography data."

"What an opportunity this unbalanced exchange represents!" exclaimed B-Sharp-F-Flat, raising herself up a bit.

"It is a dangerous opportunity. What do you consider would be the use of this data to the aliens?"

B-Sharp-F-Flat didn't say anything. Even if she had an answer she knew better than to offer it.

"The most probable motive is this:", explained Five-Cs, "the aliens hope to find the location of homeworld, so that they might conquer it. This was an implication of their earlier message as well. Send the aliens a reply. Ask them this: why do you want our knowledge of the stars? What will you do with it once you have it?"

B-Sharp-F-Flat sent the message, and a reply came back must faster than before. She played it for the Theo-Mathematician without any unsolicited commentary.

"All we want is homeworld. Once we know these stars we will go to homeworld and never leave."

Five-Cs wasn't sure what response she was expecting, but honesty did not top the list. She made careful not to allow physiological reactions to betray her emotions to her lesser.

"It is as I have been sermonizing," said Five-Cs. "God has set Her two chosen people upon one another as a test, to see which is stronger. The worthy must conquer the unworthy, and the unite the children of God. What lies before us is a holy task."

"What will we do?" B-Sharp-F-Flat risked asking.

Luckily Five-Cs was eager to hear herself talk.

"It is unacceptable that the pretender aliens have access to a holy relic that we are denied. Therefore we will make the proposed exchange. However, we will give the aliens incomplete data. We will exclude all star systems the comprise our territory, as well as all those who border them. The altered data will lead the aliens towards the territory of our enemies. With favorable probabilities they will destroy our enemies and be weakened in the process. Even in unfavorable circumstances this will give us time to continue our study. When our holy wisdom matches that of the aliens they will hold no power over us. The Chorus-Of-Notes will be supreme in the universe."

* * *

<Oh my!> exclaimed Odysseus.

"What is it?" asked Lulu.

<The aliens have replied. Let me just play it for you.>

"We agree conditionally to your exchange, for it will be to the mutual benefit of all. We will provide you with stellar cartography data and you will provide us with the second relic. The condition of our agreement is that you will give us the relic first. Once we have verified its authenticity we will send you the data. We cannot be fooled for we hear with crystals sharpened by God. The way you will signal acceptance is to provide us the second relic. We require no further words."

"Wow your ability to translate the alien language is progressing with impressive speed," said Dr. Fido.

<Aw shucks.>

"This is fantastic news. I don't want to say 'I told you so', but..."

"Don't you?" asked Dr. Eisenstein.

"Fine I do," said Lulu, "and I did. I told all of you so. Good guys win again. Let's get that new probe ready. Give 'em all the remaining music we have. And since it looks like they're playing the music with the probes instead of trying to retrieve the data lets make it pretty for them."

"You don't think that might play into their religious interpretation?" asked Dr. Fido.

"Right, right," said Lulu, thoughtfully. "Let's make it really plain looking then. Like, a cube. Could you make a probe that's a cube, Odysseus?"

<Of course I can, what kind of a question is that? Given what we're using it for I could make it the size of a grain of sand and any shape you can imagine.>

"Let's stick with cube. Maybe this big," she indicated about 10 centimeters with her hands, "and gray. Light gray."

"No: beige!" offered Dr. Eisenstein.

"You're disgusting. I love it," said Lulu.

<One self-propelling beige 10-centimeter cube full of music coming up.>

"Don't include sensors on this one," said Lulu. "We should respect the aliens' privacy now that we have a enough data on their language to properly communicate. Is there any way we could fry the sensors in the first probe?"

<Done,> signaled Odysseus, after a moment of silence. <But the new probe's going to need navigational sensors.>

"Nah," said Lulu, with a wave of her hand. "We'll just shoot it out into space and I'm sure the aliens will tractor it in."

<They're still hiding in hyperspace you know.>

"Alright then we shoot it into hyperspace."

<Without sensors?>

"But just for a few minutes. The aliens will snap it right up."

<And if they don't?>

"It's just a probe."

<We don't know how long it will be before we have a chance to resupply. I remind you again that I have a finite amount of material from which to fashion probes.>

"You worry too much."

<You worry insufficiently.>

"So you don't want to do it?"

<Oh I'm going to do it, but I don't appreciate your blasé attitude towards the efficient use of resources.>

"Think this one needs a shield?" asked Dr. Eisenstein.

"It's their toy now, they can break it if they want," said Lulu.

<Probe's ready. Launching now.>

And with that, the most boring cube any of the crew could think of what blasted down into the shallows of infraspace where it was almost instantly seized by the waiting tractor beam of the alien spacecraft.

The reply came less than a standard hour later. Odysseus alerted the crew.

<I'm getting a significant datastream. Give me a few minutes to figure out how to read it. If this isn't the starmap I will produce a mouth, stomach and hat so that I can use the former to eat the latter.>

It was.

But he would have.