i think i love you • matthew healy

29. fragile

matty

i have not felt this nervous in a long time.

and this cold, too, fucking hell. i should've put on a thicker coat.

my ears are ringing and i badly need a cigarette, but then i finally see rhiannon appear outside, seemingly looking for me, and all of a sudden nothing else could ever matter anymore.

--

rhiannon

i should've put on a thicker coat.

matty looks like he hasn't slept in three years, and his curls are slightly flattened from the rain, but he's smiling softly at me like he knows this is all a stupid idea, and i suppose it is.

but it's all i could ever want.

--

matty

"how did you know where i live?"

over the phone rhiannon had sounded concerned, almost desperate, to hear from me. now she's looking at me like she's just realised i'm fine, and that there's nothing to worry about, and that i'm a professional stalker or something. i groan.

"haven't i told you i'm a superstar, rhian?"

at that, she rolls her eyes. "you always have to bring that up, don't you?"

"you know, if you do think about it, it's really fucking true."

she sighs heavily, looking down at her... are those fluffy violet sandals?

"matty." rhiannon says, because i'm obviously getting distracted and she's obviously getting impatient.

"yeah?" i clear my throat. "sorry, uhm--"

"let's just head inside." she interrupts, looking a bit pissed and picking up on my confusion, i can't possibly tell. "i'll... uhm, get you a towel and some tea. is that okay?"

i'd want a glass of wine to be honest with you, but i nod my head anyway.

"okay."

--

rhiannon

matty doesn't say a word on the short lift to the flat, and i don't say a word either.

i have to look at him closely a few times, just to assure myself that i'm definitely not dreaming.

he's got his black hoodie pulled over his head, i suppose it's because he doesn't want to be recognised by anyone living in here. i don't blame him.

when we finally get past the door, i expect him to say something about the place. how it's a bit messy and small, but not as much as his flat with the guys last year. he might have erased that memory of me staying with him back then.

i don't blame him for that either.

"uhm..." i mumble nervously. "right, i'll go get you some tea--"

"rhian, wait."

i look at matty while he clears his throat, looking down on his white trainers.

"i... i broke up with gabby."

oh.

"oh." i mumble. i stare down at my toes for a few seconds, i don't know what else to say. "i'm... really sorry to hear that, matty."