i think i love you • matthew healy

16. exhausted

a/n: another trigger warning on this chapter :( also i put a little song, u could listen to it while reading if u want, it adds more emotion imo but if you dont want to its totally okay x

—

i have about a million questions running in my mind.

but none of them seem to be important than wishing this taxi could drive faster.

"it's gonna be okay." george says to me, seeming to have read my mind. i shut my eyes. the sound of the rain pattering gently against the window of this car is starting to get stronger.

i can feel my heart beating out of my chest.

when we finally arrive to jamie's house, george and i run to the door. he starts dialing him on his phone, with me standing right next to him in this dimly-lit street, my hands still trembling.

"why can't we just knock?" i ask softly, but in my head i'm exploding.

"we might wake his daughter." george replies in a rush. he's got a black hoodie thrown over his head, i can't even see his face. i just know he's nervous the same way i am.

a minute feels like forever. when jamie finally opens the door, george pushes himself in instantly.

"where's matty?" he calls out.

"in the kitchen." jamie replies hurriedly.

i can't get myself to follow george. my feet feel like they're frozen in place.

"good to see you again, rhiannon." jamie mutters, standing next to me.

he looks exhausted, and i want to cry.

i quietly wipe the tears off my cheeks before he could see. i push my hands deep in the pockets of my jacket—i wish they would stop trembling.

"you too." i mumble, trying to smile at him, but it comes out all forced and stupid.

we watch quietly as george starts dragging matty's barely conscious body across the kitchen floor.

"oh god." i hear him mutter. "what did you give him, jamie?" george groans, as matty starts sputtering and stirring awake underneath him.

"just a glass of water. he called me and—and he let himself in. he's wrecked as far as i can tell, and i've no clue where he went before coming over. all i know is he came here crying and didn't want to talk." jamie answers, panic in his voice. i watch helplessly as he hurriedly accompanies george with carrying matty's weight to the other room.

"could you call matty's doctor please?" george whips his head at me, his urgency causing me to jump in panic.

"i... uhm, i don't have his phone—"

"in his bag." he points to the direction of a lone black woman handbag sitting on jamie's countertop.

i quickly flip it over, letting the items from matty's bag spill on the floor: a half-empty pack of marlboro, tangled earphones, his wallet, passport...

i let out an uncontrolled sob, closing my eyes shut to stop seeing what i'm seeing.

three small packs of cocaine.

"rhiannon." i hear george call me from the other room.

"c-coming." i let out, my voice shaking. i snatch matty's phone from one of the pockets inside. i guess his passcode at the first try, and for a split second i feel proud of myself, but now i realise i'm stupid for thinking something like that.

i hastily go through his phone contacts, which unsurprisingly are filled with quite a lot of people.

digging through my memory, i finally remember the name of matty's doctor from rehab. i press on his number and squeeze my eyes shut, covering my mouth to muffle my crying while i wait for the ringing to stop—and for his doctor to pick up—despite the ungodly hour.