The Survivor (Book #2)

Chapter 28

"My parents died when I was very young, and honestly, I don't remember them too well. They never hurt me, and I think they cared about me, but I honestly can't be certain. I was too young." I didn't look up, for fear that I would see pity in the eyes of the family I loved. I didn't want them to pity me. I wanted them to think I was strong and brave and could handle myself. I went on, not daring to look up.

"I do remember the day my uncle told me they were gone. He was a constant presence as I was growing up, and I actually remember really liking him. He was sweet to me and gave me a lot of attention, more than anyone else. He told me I was his favorite a lot, that's my first memory of him. He would pick me up, too, whenever he was around. I really liked it... being picked up and held. Later my uncle told my mom was too busy for me, but he had enough attention. I didn't understand what that meant until later."

"I don't remember them passing away, but when they did it was obvious who I was going to live with. There was nobody else that I had known, no one else left in our family except for him. He had a small house in the city that a friend of his let us rent out as a favor." Caleb let out a breath and I almost smiled at it. But this was when the story turned dark.

"He became bossy very quickly, and I realized he wasn't someone to be messed with. He gave me a lot of responsibility, and a lot of punishments came when I failed to perform well at the tasks he assigned. I remember being confused because I genuinely didn't feel able to complete the things that he asked of me. I tried anyway until he told me it was good."

My stomach twisted like a snake was trying to escape my body. I wished I could let it out. Instead, I sucked in a breath and kept speaking.

"That's when it got worse. Every time I thought I had finally reached perfection, the bar was raised. Every time I was sure he would find nothing to criticize or tease, he invented a new reason to make fun of me. I have always thought the worst of myself, but I'm now convinced that it's because of him. Because it's not true, what they say about love. You have to be loved first as a kid to learn how to love. It doesn't start with loving yourself, it never did. And he didn't love me. I'm not sure that anybody did." I said, looking up for the first time since I began. The boys were all enraptured, hanging on to every word I said. Charlotte was in thought, looking at her hands. She had heard this story before, but she seemed no less interested or compassionate. I went on.

"And then he started touching me. I can't remember everything he did, and I think my memory is blocking most of it for a reason. But I still feel disgusted with myself, like I'll never be clean again. Like even the core of who I am is dirty and bad and nothing can make that right. I feel like I'm not safe in my room at night. I worry that I see his big shoulders in the corner like he's standing there watching me, waiting for me to say something or scream. And I feel pain. Umm, down there. You can believe me or don't, I don't care. He hurt me and he took something that I can't replace." I swallowed.

Tears made my vision blurry and I turned to Dom to tell him something I'd wanted to for a while.

"You told me when I first got here that it didn't matter what I'd done, or what I'd experienced. You said it was okay whether I had done stuff, or whether I hadn't. I didn't. I promise I didn't. But he did. And I don't think that makes me the bad one." I cried. He grabbed me and hugged me, letting my tears soak onto his shirt. I pulled back, to keep talking.

"It wasn't just him, either. And I didn't always say no. Sometimes I was just quiet, but that wasn't me letting it happen. That was because I knew I couldn't stop it, even if I spoke up." I tried to defend myself, even if it sounded weak. It wasn't consensual to do those things, even if I couldn't speak. I never said yes, I never allowed it, and I never wanted it. It wasn't okay.

I found myself wanting to give details to the Anders but also wanting to be silent, so I tried to walk the line. I didn't want to scar them or force them to picture something they couldn't handle. That was my cross to bear, whether it was my fault that it had happened or it was his. I knew now unquestionably that it was his.

"And I'm not a perfect human. I made mistakes and I called him vile things and I tried to hurt him, and I have done so much that I'm not proud of. So much. But I just wanted you guys to know that, so there weren't any secrets between us. I want you to know who I am, even if you think I'm a monster." I finished, before adding "Sometimes I think that I am, too. But I'm not. People aren't black and white. They make choices every day, and he made bad ones. I didn't."

I bit the inside of my cheek and breathed in deeply through my now sniffling nose. My red eyes looked at my brothers, and they stared back at me.

"Maya..." Caleb began in a soft voice. "You're not a monster. I'm so sorry that happened to you."

"I will never let you get hurt again," Dominic vowed, pain ripping through his voice.

"We love you. We're so sorry." Brooks exclaimed mournfully.

"You're ours now," Damon said. "You're safe with us."

I smiled weakly and took a deep breath in.

"Okay, can we do something fun now?" I begged, ready for a distraction.

And as it turned out, we could.