Hello beautiful/handsome/attractive people, how are you?
TW:Suicide...no one dies but...well you'll see. This is my apology in advance so I'm sorry☹️ just uhm beware ig🙂ok bye go read
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*3 weeks later*
"If someone calls me, pick it up." Dad said as he rushed upstairs. Leo jumped on me causing a grunt to escape my mouth. She knocked the wind out of my lungs.
I grabbed my laptop and looked for flight tickets to Berlin. I'm surprising Billie for 3 days. That's what I'm going for.
Zoe is going with me too. Since I didn't wanna go alone and Billie needs a friend as well. Dad can't go because he has to sort the business stuff.
I called Zoe so we can arrange the situation. After 10 minutes of discussing we made our plans and I hung up after saying bye and telling her to get ready. We're going somewhere don't worry it's not time yet. The flight is in a week.
An hour later Zoe and I were headed out into my car to entertain ourselves. As I was driving my phone rang.
"It's Billie." Zoe checked and answered without me saying anything. "Hey bab- oh hi Zoe." Billie greeted and I just knew she had a smile on her face.
"Hi love." Zoe said back. I said hi as well, we talked as I drove around. We don't really have a destination.
"Wait- take a left right here, I wanna get ice cream." Zoe tapped my arm urgently. I obliged and parked, turning the car off after.
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*Billie's POV*
"Alright bye I love you both." I said with a smile. "We love you too Billie." They answered at the same time then I hung up. Pffft.
Time for sound check. I sighed before standing up and heading out to stage. When that was over with I headed to the tour bus to take a little nap.
It's better than doing anything else. As soon as my body hit the bunk I knocked out. Being away from home always makes me realize how much I take that for granted.
Everyone around me, everything around me. It helps me see how it's not important what we do. Just be who you are because we're all gonna die one day.
Life is pointless.
-
After the show was done I headed straight to bed and I texted Zai I was gonna go to sleep. She answered immediately telling me she loves me. I said it back and knocked out once again.
Getting lost in my own thoughts. Falling asleep like that is never a good idea. I always end up having a nightmare and Zai has to calm me down.
Shit she's not here. Don't get me wrong my mom is also capable of calming me but it takes a tad bit longer and I'd honestly prefer my girlfriend to do that.
Sleep and I are very close friends right now. Thing is when I wake up I'm still tired and in a mood. It's not that I wanna be bitchy to everybody I can't help it.
As soon as I realize what I said was a mistake it's too late. I need to watch my mouth more often. It's not ok for me to just let stuff slip.
Speaking of letting stuff slip, I have an interview tomorrow. Shit ok goodnight.
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"What do you miss the most about LA." The interviewer asked. "My bed. I miss sleeping on my own bed. The bunks and hotel beds are not the vibes." I answered.
"Ok now I'm gonna show you a picture and you explain the back story, alright?" "Mhm." I nodded.
First picture was me wearing a designer boot. I went on about telling a whole story that did go with the picture.
Second one was a picture of Drew and I when we went to a party. "Ohh that's my Drew, we went to a party and didn't get home until...3 am I think. I got in trouble." I chuckled and shrugged.
My mom shook her head behind the camera. "It was the one time I actually got in trouble." I said looking at the camera.
The last photo was a paparazzi picture of when Zai and I went out on a date. They specifically took it when she was opening the car door for me.
"Well what do you want me to say? I was out, having fun, being a teenager?" I shrugged stating the obvious and sorta avoiding talking abt my girlfriend.
All he did was nod and then the interview was done. "It was nice meeting you, Billie." He shook my hand firmly and making eye contact.
Stay calm Billie, he's not gonna do anything to you. Men make me uncomfortable. I can't be around most of them because my brain will start making me think and see stuff.
We quickly went home trying to avoid the paps. I instantly went up to my room and sat on the bed with my knees clutched to my chest.
Just breathe. It's ok. You're gonna be fine. Everything's fine.
Voices kept echoing in the back of my head. "Fuck, stop." I gripped my hair as if I was gonna rip it off my scalp.
You're useless Billie
Zaidee doesn't love you
You're ugly
Lose weight
No one loves you
You're a waste of space
Kill yourself
Zaidee's only with you because she feels bad for you
No one will love you
You're worthless Billie
Isn't your name also Billie
Yes, but that's not the point
Look there's a window
As soon as I heard those words I turned to the window. I can't. Yes, you can. Just do it Billie. No I can't. You can, c'mon.
I walked over to the window and looked out to the city. This is definitely not the first time I've sat in front of a window thinking about this.
Should I write a letter? No, that's a waste just like you, they won't care so just do it. Go ahead, be happy.
Hmm, fair point. Exactly go. I opened the window and looked out again taking in the fresh air. Just as I was gonna do it my phone rang.
GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!! I'll put that on do not disturb next time.
Ignoring the voice I walked over to my bed, wiping the tears I wasn't aware escaped my eyes. Shit it's Zai. Fuck- well there's always a next time.
I nervously pressed answer and there she was. "Hi mi amor, what's wrong?" She immediately asked concerned.
"I'm fine." "Yeah right." She scoffed. What if she didn't call. Would I be falling to my death? Would I even die? Is it high enough? You're on floor 15 Billie of course it's high enough.
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Mhmmm✂️✂️
Anyways🧍🏻♀️uhmmm
Thanks for reading
I love you!!!
*forehead kiss* 😚
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