𝐖𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐖𝐄 𝐇𝐈𝐃𝐄

38.

his legs were shaking, his fingers tapping on his knees. he was breathing shallow. his eyes unable to focus on anything.

friend: i haven't been here in a while. i'm a shitty friend, i know. if you were the one awake, you probably would be visiting every day. i'm just..

he fell silent for a short while. his words were swallowed up; fingers still tapping rapidly on his knees.

friend: remember how you got me through last time? i was shitty back then too. irritated, on edge, just not great in general, but whenever i couldn't get any sleep, you joined me on my walks without a second thought. it happened so frequently, at some point it just became our thing. our weird midnight walks. heh.

he chuckled a little at the thought of it, but his smile quickly turned sour. he ran a hand through his messy, unattended to hair, further disheveling it.

friend: and now it's just me. now i'm lost and i don't know how to stop again. i want to stop, but then i remember what happened, so i drink again and it's this.. this stupid spiral downward.
and i hate how selfish i am to sit here and complain about my life, about you not being here and i hate how you always knew just what to say. i wouldn't mind hearing your voice again.

he clenched his jaw and fell silent yet again. some time passed as he sat in silence.

friend: i really wanna stop, you know. can't have me not being there for when you wake up, now can we?

he forced himself a wry, weak smile.

friend: i'll get better. i'll be better. for myself.

there was a short pause. his voice changed into a low whisper.

friend: and for you. you deserve a better friend.