Do You Hear Me ? [Ekkan]

a carousel of nightmares

Another one shot lovelies. An angsty one. My take on Kanat's thoughts after the dreaded lunapark.  Enjoy and review.

Authors note.

I do not accept or condone such forms of violence and abuse. Kanat was canceled for this act

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She didn't say a word. She took each blow he threw at her in silence.  She couldn't breathe , she was gulping for air. Her eyes were begging for him to stop but she said nothing. She didn't even try to hide the tears.  She had never broken. Until now.  And he waited. He waited for the satisfaction to sing in his blood.  He broke her the same way she broke him. She was distraught.

All of his effort paid off.

He did it.  

She made no sound except a small sniffle here and there. And he waited.  The triumph would come.
It would come , wouldn't it?

He beat her.  She played him so he got even and played with her weakness.  She was as helpless as he felt when he was around her.

But nothing came. Nothing made him feel like he accomplished anything. The more he looked at her broken - the more he hated her... no not her. He didn't hate her. He hated this sight. The sight of her broken. This wasn't right. He was supposed to be thrilled. He felt worst all of a sudden . He felt as bad as he felt when he heard the recording.  What was happening? He pushed through his brain fog.

"Maybe your dad left you because you didn't deserve to be loved . Ever thought of that? "

He was met with silence.  This is what he wanted right ? From the very beginning- before she took over his whole world  - this is how he wanted her , right ? Helpless. Voiceless.  Weak.

He waited for the pain inside him to leave-  like it usually did when he punished . It never left. It got worst. It was intensifying in his thoracic cavity. And he didn't know how to get it out.

"You remember the time I called you , crying. I told you, I felt like I was burning.  That I couldn't breathe . Did you laugh? Was my pain a joke to you ?  "

She shook her head firmly and it was the only response he got from her all night.

"Who am I supposed to call to make this better now ? Why did you take that away from me ? How am I supposed to breathe now , Ekim ?" He was convinced his voice broke and he hated himself for it. Why was he so weak for her , when he was only a game to her ?

She kept on shaking her head. But she didn't speak.  And it broke him. The satisfaction never came. Instead he felt sick.

He took a step back.  And he wished he didn't . Perspective hit him hard and he froze.

God what has he done ?

NO
NO
NO
NO

He didn't do this. No.
This isn't happening
No no no no
What did he do
What was he thinking?

He fumbled and he was on his knees . His fingers weren't making sense - they were only scrambling.  He couldn't get the knots undone. She wasn't even kicking at the ties. She was frozen.

He moved up to her hands when her legs were free. He couldn't look at her. God , what had he done? Her hands were shaking.  And the knots were finally lose and he made to grab at her waist to get her down.

"Don't!"

He froze and that's all she needed. She hopped off and on shaking legs made her way down the carousel slowly.  He couldn't breathe. Tears were already welling up in his eyes.  She didn’t bother to turn around.  She just walked away slowly, head bowed down.

How could he ask her if she was OK?

He had turned into him at last , didn't he? He turned into his father .

He was heaving.  And panicking.  He kept watching until she was out of sight.  The look on her face when he took off the black bag kept on flashing behind his eyes.

He kept on seeing the shock. The terror. That look he never wanted to see on her face. He never wanted to make her look at him like . No . No. No. Not his Ekim. Why did he go so far? How did he do that?

He needed to unsee it.
He felt his stomach roll and he was off the carousel a second later, clutching at the control panel and bowing on the ground.

He was going to be sick. He hadn't eaten since that morning. Since he heard that recording. There was nothing to empty in his tummy. But he heaved until tears and sweat ran a mess across his face.

He was worst then his father.  How had he let her be tied up? How had he thought it would make him feel better ? How does he undo it ? How does he make it better ? He wanted to tear at his hands for what they've done . But this was on him. All on him alone.

He was on all fours, scrambling on the grass , trying to find purchase. Something to ground him. He kept hearing her screams. Her voice was echoing... growing louder. No . Stop. He shoved his hands to his ears to make her voice stop. It didn't work. He screamed.  It didn't dull her voice.

He fumbled for his phone.  He could hardly see the name on his phone- his eyes engulfed by tears.

"Mom ! Mom! I'm just like him. I'm just like him . I'm worst then him " he was croaking the words out. He probably wasn't even making sense.

"Kanat, sweetheart  !! What's wrong?"

"I did something. Please.  Please make it better. Make it go away. "

"Where are you ? Darling tell me where you are and I'll come fetch you ?"

"He won't let you come. And I'm the same. I'm worst  mom . I'm like him. I can do things like him."

"Kanat , where are you? No one will stop me ! Don't drive me insane ? Where are you?"

He could hear his mom shuffling with keys and he didn't feel so alone anymore. Maybe she'll actually come and it'll be like nothing bad ever happened.

"The lunapark near the school, by the carousel " he whispered out. His throat still locked with tears.

"OK. Deep breaths darling. Now tell me what hapepnd ? Talk to me ? I'll be there in 10 minutes. Talk , Kanat ! Did you have a fight with Melisa ?"

He let out a bitter little laugh and he hung up. Melisa ? Really?

He sat in the same hunched over position whilst his mom continued calling. His mind turned out to be his worst enemy. The same mind that prepared his trap for Ekim this afternoon- replayed her face and her fear over and over again. 

"Kanat !" He was engulfed into his mom's familiar scent , her arms wrapping around him and he finally broke.  He cried for everything.  Everything he did. All the pain he caused. All the pain he endured . He cried for his mom. He cried for Aziz. He cried for himself. He cried for and because of Ekim. But he especially cried for what could have been with Ekim.

And his mom held him. She soothed his hair like she did when he was little. And he hoped he didn't turn his whole world dark after what he did today.