𝙘𝙤𝙡𝙙 𝙝𝙖𝙣𝙙𝙨-𝙧.𝙖.𝙗

39-𝙙𝙚𝙘𝙖𝙮

THE TRAIN ROCKS JO, SLIGHTLY, AND SHE HAS TO REMIND HERSELF TO BREATHE.

Her hand is entwined with Alice's, and her head is on Dorcas's shoulder. Juniper sits on Jo's lap, little head tilted up, examining Jo with blinking eyes, like the little cat is looking for a solution. Every moment she feels is tense, everlasting, and painful. Regulus asked if she would sit with him, but Jo is filled to the brim with dread and anxieties, and she doesn't know the next time she'll see her friends and she couldn't bear to be away from them. Now she feels like it is her last moments before her execution. The school year ended, slipped out of her fingers and now she's at the end.

"Jo, don't look so sad," Emmeline says from her spot across from Jo. "We'll still see plenty of each other."

Her heartbeat is slow. She can muster any words, so she just gives Emmeline a small, sharp nod. Jo sniffles, wiggling her nose and breathing hard. Alice squeezes her hand. She hadn't told them anything. Regulus begged her not to say a word to anyone but even if he didn't, Jo didn't think she'd be able to. A tear leaks from the corner of her eye and rolls down her cheek, dripping onto Dorcas's shoulder.

Everything she feels is so violent and so heavy and she feels it so much. There's so much of it all and it is overflowing out of the palm of her hands. Jo's never been like this. It's been worse. Every dream is more vivid, every anxiety more visceral. Dread coats her like oil, slick and slippery and seeping deeper and deeper into her.

They all know. It radiates off of Jo like she's projecting it. Hestia watches her with careful and sympathetic eyes. Dorcas has not let her out of her sight. They're treating her like some tender and wounded bird. Jo would find it irritating if she wasn't aware of exactly how pathetic she was acting.

"I love all of you," Jo says, thick voice wavering, "a lot."

A second tear falls. She purses her mouth into a thin line. No one says anything, for a moment. She thinks that it's her fault, dragging down the atmosphere, her presence suffocating. But Dorcas says, "We love you too, Jo."

The train stops, and it's the most underwhelming goodbye she could've come up with.

Regulus catches her eye on the platform. Jo is frozen and afraid, people pushing past her to get where they need to be and leap into the embrace of their parents, but Jo does not move. She stands and peers over the tops of heads to meet his gaze. Juniper stands in between Jo's legs, following Jo's stare, and lets out a meow, calling out to him.

He is stony and pale, but Jo knows him well enough now. She knows that expression and she knows that look in his eyes. They hadn't spoken since the night before, going over the details they had discussed hundreds of times before. It felt like there was nothing else to say but there, on the platform of King's Cross station, there are a million things Jo wants to say to him. To whisper, shout, proclaim, confess. Regulus swallows. Jo won't look away first. She doesn't have to. Regulus inhales and casts his gaze ahead of him.

Her stare lingers for a moment. She watches as he slinks between the throngs of people, his silhouette weaving in and out of the crowd. Jo doesn't look away until he's disappeared.

Nausea bubbles in her gut and somehow it gets heavier. Sobs bubbling in her throat, shoulders trembling and she think she might be sick right there on the platform. She wants her mother. Jo careens her head around suddenly, looking desperately for her mother, for her embrace and her love and her comfort. Jo needs her mother.

Instead, there is James.

At first, Jo hardly recognizes her brother as he steps toward her. It takes Juniper nuzzling against his pant leg for her to realize. He doesn't look like himself. He looks like Jo-skin sunken, purple shadows under his bloodshot eyes and that same fatigued expression that makes Jo think she's looking in the mirror. Jo swallows her dread. "James, what's wrong?" she questions, her fingers gently holding onto that preserved sprig of juniper she always wears around her neck.