2019
Nobody needed me to reaffirm that being social was more palatable in small doses, so I wasn't sure how Nikau had quickly become the exception to that rule. I wasn't even the one who initiated it, which made my immersion into it that much more surprising.
One slow day at work a couple of weeks after Leimomi's graduation, my name was paged over the speakers calling me to the front desk because I had a client requesting to work with me. I should have realized then that something was up since I rarely had people ask for me by name. (I wasn't about to win employee of the month any time soon.) I was caught off guard to find Nikau standing there talking to the self-proclaimed office guard.
It didn't take a genius to recognize they were all smitten with him. Who could blame them? His megawatt smile was on full display for the office staff to bask beneath its glow, and they soaked it up as easily as the sun on a warm summer's day.
I admired how easily it came to them, the ability to let people witness their admiration instead of shying away from expressing it. Even knowing someone could see me at all made my skin crawl most of the time. That didn't even account for someone like Nikau being the one to witness my existence. I wondered what it was like to actively seek out attention or not be afraid of holding onto it.
"The phone is ringing," I noted as I pulled up beside him at the counter.
None of them moved a muscle. Nikau had successfully reeled them in and they weren't looking to be set loose.
"Is it?" Someone replied. "I hadn't noticed."
I laughed. Took in the familiar intricacies of his tattoos up close. "I noticed you not noticing."
It was all in jest. They were harmless. It didn't mean there wasn't some internal reaction to seeing them respond to his presence in such a way. When it was just the two of us at his apartment, we were equals, even if he still found it much easier to break out of his shell than I did. When the two of us were side by side in public, I was hyper aware that we were perceived in two completely different ways.
"You bought from here before, right?" Someone else asked, their words dripping with honey. "I remember your face. Hoku kept you all to herself over there but I remember you."
Nikau flashed them another smile, assuming he had even stopped since walking inside the building, and I refrained from rolling my eyes. Older aunties always had a way of saying exactly what you never wanted them to.
"Or maybe I was just... doing my job?"
"No." They shook their head. "I don't think that's right."
"Well, then." I placed my hand on Nikau's arm and guided him back toward my store's side. "I'll remember to send him over to you next time."
"Don't threaten us with a good time."
They shouted at us as I pulled him out of the lion's den.
Once we were back in the safety of Red, I felt more at ease, regardless of Nikau's surprise visit. Even when I looked at him expectantly and waited for an explanation, he only casually sat down on one of the side chairs placed near the front registers. Like it was the most normal thing for him to just show up unannounced.
"Hi."
"Hey."
"That was more like a hi? What are you doing here?"
His left eyebrow raised. "Do you not want me here? I can leave."
"I didn't say that."
"So you want me to stay?"
I crossed my arms. "I didn't say that either. I just wanted to know why you're here."
Nikau laughed and tapped the seat next to him. After a quick glance around to ensure there weren't any customers in our section, I took his suggestion. I didn't need much convincing. Work was always work, even on its good days.
"I wanted to see you," he said. So plainly that I didn't quite catch it at first and had to repeat it to myself. It didn't occur to me that I might have looked like a deer in headlights while I did. "You don't have to look so confused. This hanging out thing... it's a normal thing when you like someone."
I inwardly flinched at his choice of words. "I'm not normal then."
His eyebrows pinched together. "That's not what I meant."
"I'm sorry." I sighed and slouched down into the seat. As pretty as it looked, it was also in pristine condition since it was kept up near the front of the shop which meant it was not as comfortable as any of the chairs we had at home. Nothing ever felt as good as the ones we had at home. "Work has been... work. Annoying as always."
"It's fine," he quickly reassured. "I didn't mean to intrude. If it bothers you, I won't show up announced anymore."
"No, no, you're fine."
The longer I sat with him, the more the tension in my shoulders loosened. Often, I became numb to the daily stress of life that built up slowly enough I never realized what had become of it until it was a fortress guarding my comfort against breaching my heart.
"It's just me." It was always me. I was the problem even when there wasn't one. "All in my head."
Nikau was aware of the effect his smile had on everyone, and he used it to his advantage. More often than not, or maybe it was just my perception of him based on how he reacted to me, he used it to try and soften those otherwise sharp moments. A well-placed smile right before someone felt their momentary happiness slip away helped to prolong the inevitable.
It wasn't that he stared at me like I was some scared child that couldn't take care of herself. But there was something sad in his eyes whenever he likely thought I was being unfairly hard on myself for something that was probably a totally normal feeling.
I wasn't sure what was considered normal anymore. I wasn't sure if I ever did.
"I'm not used to people liking being around me," I admitted before I realized the words were slipping out.
"Maybe a lot more people do but you just don't allow yourself to admit it," he retorted.
"No." I shook my head. "I'd know." I would, right? I could tell the difference between people who liked me and people who tolerated me. There was a difference.
Before he could respond, the bell above the door chimed signaling a customer which effectively cut off any chance to. I jumped to my feet to greet the customer who couldn't give two shits about my presence and brushed me off just as quickly. By the time I turned around, Nikau had already picked up one of the home decor magazines we had lying around the showroom.
Any awkwardness I might have caused that day had been quickly and quietly forgotten by the time I ended my shift and notified Keali'i that I didn't need a ride home anymore. He didn't sound surprised to hear the reason why and told me that no matter what we were doing, I should relax and enjoy myself.
Naturally, as two people in love with music, we saw Rocketman together at the theater inside Pearlridge. I didn't realize how fun going to a movie with someone else could be when it was someone whose company I enjoyed. We shared a large popcorn drenched with an unhealthy amount of butter, laughed and smiled until it felt like it was never going to stop, and then I cried for the first time in a long time over something that didn't have anything to do with my perpetual sadness. It was the kind of cry released for one thing but was really helping another
