North Star

36 | the riveras

2019

When in doubt, I asked the Riveras if I could come over for dinner.

I didn't invite anyone else, and when I first brought it up, I asked Alex if she could make sure Nikau hadn't been invited either. As much as I loved my family and being around the alluring musician, I wanted to have time without anyone from my everyday life. The Riveras granted me some familiarity while being detached enough to allow that change of pace. The only downside was having to drive all the way out to Mililani to see them.

Not having to deal with atrocious traffic was a silver lining. When the roads were clear, I actually enjoyed going on a long drive. It allowed me to clear my head without any distractions—windows down, music blasting, complete isolation. I always knew it was a good drive when I got to my destination and realized how much I didn't want it to end.

"I hope you're ready for some kalbi," said Uncle Akamu as soon as he opened the door.

Gently shoving the containers of poke I had picked up on my way over into his chest, I stepped past, kicking off my slippers before heading inside the house. "Do you guys eat anything else?"

"Of course we do. We just don't cook it ourselves."

One of the Riveras' favorite pastimes was sitting out on their front porch, grilling and eating food almost directly off the heat. While I understood it wasn't always possible for families to eat every meal together, whether because of lifestyle or other outside forces, I thought that enjoying a meal together as a family was a lost art. Knowing that the three of them, despite the ways in which they were torn apart, physically and emotionally, came together often to appreciate something as simple as a good meal.

It was a wonder how relaxing it was to walk inside a home that didn't belong to me but made me feel just as much at ease, especially since it had been a long time since I felt completely myself at home. There were times when I never wanted to leave, and there were other times when I walked around, afraid I was about to run into a ghost. When even my own house scared me, the only places I felt safe were my room, a small corner of a space still otherwise tainted, or the ocean.

I breathed in the sweet scent of gardenias as Alex rounded the corner, wringing out her wet hair with a pale blue towel. She only had a pair of biker shorts on with a bra. Upon realizing I was there, she jumped and almost dropped the towel to the floor.

"Why does no one tell me when someone is at the door?" she shouted before running back down the hall to her old room.

Anthony strolled into the room, completely unbothered. "Like that would have made a difference."

When I was younger, I often compared the relationship I had with Kanani to the one between Alex and Anthony. Since we shared almost exactly the same age difference, the comparison came naturally. While I understood my observations were skewed due to having limited observations based on what they wanted to let us, I couldn't help but admire the way they operated as siblings. At times, my feelings could be described more as envy than admiration. It wasn't as if I thought Kanani and I didn't have a great relationship. We did. But we were different.

The biggest difference to me was how they argued. With us, we could get explosive. Not necessarily violent, but a lot of yelling, harsh words, and strong expressiveness. With the Rivera children, they operated in subtleties—stoic silences, looks of disappointment, and inner frustrations. I wasn't sure if there was a good or bad way of arguing, and I knew that neither pair of siblings was capable of acting the way the other did.

They also didn't necessarily show love the same way. While Kanani and I had no shortage of declarations of our love, that same subtlety with which they expressed their anger translated to their expressions of love as well. Instead of saying hey, I love you, they would buy the other dinner and watch their favorite movie together. Again, neither way was better nor worse than the other but I found the differences interesting.