Zoe's only wish is to be able to run barefoot through grass, but she knows it'll never happen. Ever since she was born, she's been unable to touch anything living without it instantly dying. It's a curse she would do anything to get rid of, but that...
I stared blankly after Zoe, not understanding at all what had happened. I had been tuned into her emotions, but it was hard to get any sense out of them. Especially since fear was always there and it was hard to know what the fear was directed at.
But there was so much of it. She felt so much fear. More than I would have thought one person to be able to contain and it seemed to be fear regarding everything, though mainly fear about the future.
"Don't," Alex said when I was halfway out of the armchair.
"Excuse me?" I said baffled.
"Give her just a moment to process whatever she's feeling."
I shook my head at her. Feeling my anger rising. "She's afraid! She's basically paralyzingly afraid! I can't just let her be."
"Whatever she experienced while healing me is probably messing with her a bit," Alex simply stated. "Honestly, everything that has happened recently is probably messing with her. Same with you. Just give her a moment to calm down and also sort through stuff yourself. Have you let yourself stop and think about it all? Or have you just pushed all hesitation aside? Just take a moment of space from each other, will you?"
I wanted to refute and get to Zoe. But... If I was being honest with myself, I was emotionally exhausted. There had barely been time to stop and think about anything. And the truth was, I hadn't even really wanted to, afraid of how I maybe would feel.
When Alex saw that I wasn't getting up she went and made me some tea before excusing herself from the apartment. She said something about wanting to test her body out. I didn't understand her and didn't care to try.
I drank the tea while just staring blankly at the wall. I didn't think about anything really. Just let my mind wander in all different weird directions that it took me. I thought about nymphs, magic, the basement, dad. I thought about how I had in less than 24 hours gone from hating witches to helping one. How I so readily and without any hesitation had accepted everything Zoe had told me.
At some point I ended up thinking about the dream I had had. The one where Zoe had been by a pile of bloody corpses. It made me shudder. But that wasn't Zoe. It just wasn't.
She wasn't a murderer.
I heard footsteps and turned to see Zoe coming back to the living room.
"Where's Alex?" she asked looking around.
"She just went out for a bit," I answered. "Are you okay?"
She bit her lip and stood still a few steps away from me. Her eyes were on the floor and I wanted to get up and hug her. But I held back. Gave her space to voice her emotions and thoughts without me interfering.
"I need to ask you something and I need you to really think about the answer before you give it," she finally said and turned her gaze on me. She had a slight crease between her eyes.
I nodded.
"I don't know how many people I've killed over the years. It's definitely over a hundred. Are you sure that you can be okay with that?"
But it wasn't you, I thought to myself, but I also knew she wouldn't accept that answer. It honestly wasn't really an answer. It was rather just a feeling in my core. I knew that if she had felt like she'd had a choice, she wouldn't have done it. Problem was that I knew that I was okay with it, but I had no idea how to explain why to Zoe and I knew she would want to know why.
"I strapped you to a chair and watched as my dad tortured you. But you forgave me without a thought, even though I don't deserve it," I pointed out instead.
She looked at me with a puzzled expression. "You just did what you thought was right in the moment. You were scared and confused. Of course I would forgive you for that."
"And why is it then so hard to understand that I am okay with everything about you? Including your past."
"That's not the same," she scoffed.
"What was it that you said?" I continued without giving notice to what she said because words and understanding formed in me. "Pain only makes one wish for death while fear, self-hatred and guilt destroys a person. You told my dad that. Haven't you beaten yourself up enough? Haven't you punished yourself enough? It's in the past and frankly I don't care. What I care about is who you are now and how you are with me. The rest is unimportant."
I only realized that was the case as I talked. Everyone had a past and sure, she had done some things that could be considered terrible. But it was the past and it was something that she truly regretted to the point of hating herself. She had already punished herself more than enough. If anything I wanted that self-hatred to go away. For her to be able to move on from the past. I wanted her to one day be able to see herself the way I saw her. Loving, caring, adorable. My beautiful and innocent Zoe.
"You are not a murderer," I said firmly. "You might could have been considered one in the past. But the Zoe you are now. You are not a murderer."
Tears fell from her eyes and I reached my arms to her. She complied and walked over to me. I hugged her while she sat on my lap and cried herself empty. I had no idea how long time had gone by before she stopped. Her breathing continued to be irregular for quite some time even after the tears ended. But finally she calmed down completely.
She dried off her tears and looked at me with determination.
"I think I know how to fix everything with your father," she said.
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