spanking and domestic discipline

The realization

I don't know ,but since he has spanked me, i feel accountable for my actions.I feel as if i am held accountable for my actions,I have stopped regretting my mistakes knowing I am already punished for it.
Normally I,ofcourse wouldn't want a punishment ,but I want it for myself,not for pleasure but self realization, I don't want to live in my past,somethings have happened that I want to forget,I must not repeat my mistakes.
I went to Raj today and said to him that I  need a punishment, for first,he thought I was joking ,but when he saw I was serious, he asked me what had happened, I told him everything traumatic that had ever happened to me.He understood what i meant.
He hugged me first and let me relax and we together decided the punishment.
First,we decided for spanking then for ddlg stuff so that I forget everything that happened in adult life and regress.
First spanking by hand,then handbrush and then a paddle,I knew it will be painful but I must do this to end my pain.
For my comfort,he decided to do everything on his lap.We decided for 30 each.I counted the spankings and each spank was stinging like hell,then he went for the hairbrush ,it stinged like my bottom was on fire,i am sure that it would have been deep red by now,I was definitely sobbing by now,paddle was the hardest,I thought that I am going to die after this,I maintained the position so difficultly,but at last it was over.
He carefully  lifted me up,washed my vagina and dried it ,applied coconut oil there and gave me a glycerin suppository and buttplug ,and carefully but cream and powder and put me in an  diaper,i didn't use the diaper ofcourse but the feeling was very weird,I can't even express it,but I felt really relaxed now ,I slept like that for the night,
Next morning, he gently removed the diaper and buttplug and felt really nice,he gently cleaned me with wet wipes and applied some more cream on my bottom,I cuddled him entire night and from now ,i don't  have any past regrets anymore.