My Own Way

Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Everyone was in a good mood during dinner, except for me. They talked and laughed while I was stuck with my thoughts. I could feel my mother's eyes on me, watching me closely. She didn't approach me or bring up the subject which I was very grateful for.

I was entertained when A.J. started teasing and annoying Felix. My dad kept telling him to stop but he didn't listen until Felix got angry and screamed at A.J. in front of everyone at the dinner table. So my dad changed seats with Felix so that he was sitting next to A.J and Felix next to my mom. It made me smile because I use to do the same thing to him and he always got angry, just like Felix had. Once my dad changed seats A.J. he was on his best behavior.

"Don't piss off the boss." I whispered to A.J.

The look he gave me, only siblings knew very well, I'd be six feet under if it was up to him. I laughed, I loved teasing him, probably because I knew I could, the same way he could with Felix.

Emily told me awhile ago, the more I missed my family, my brothers especially, the more I teased them. Made sense, it wasn't to make them angry, just enough to bug and annoy them. I couldn't do it everyday, like before, and so I got my 'fix' when I'd come over. Before I'd push too hard and get them too angry, I always told them that I missed them and it was my way of showing them just how much. They weren't happy but they somewhat understood, they had more patience and now they started to tease me back. A.J. would even ask 'when are you going home?' which made me laugh even more.

Each time one of my brothers laughed, there was a light that shined the darkness within me. When they were close, I could see clearer and I always tried to find myself and find a way out. I was never successful. Watching Felix grow up, I wished so many nights that I could have been so carefree like him. I know the past is what we learn from and is what shapes our future but watching him...I wanted to be freer and less cautious, more open and less paranoid. I guess I was just scared, that if I actually 'let go' of my fears, something awful would happen.

"Wow Amanda, you're so quiet. Are you alright honey?" My aunt Nicole asked me.

"Yes I'm fine, thank you." I said smiling.

My family was maybe messed up but we were brought up with manners and to always be respectful of others. It was more difficult with my parents and brothers but with people outside our immediate family, we always had a good front even if we felt the opposite.

If it was just me, it was different but when I'd go visit my father at work or even just be with my aunt and cousins, it felt like I was acting in a play.

When dinner was over, my mom, my aunt and I cleaned up. Sometimes I'd talk with everyone and then be on my way but tonight I wanted everyone gone and talk with my parents. I wanted to help, hoping they'd leave sooner rather than later.

"So Amanda, do you have a man in your life?" My aunt asked.

"Um..." I didn't know how to answer, not even my parents asked me that or if they did, they were a lot more settle. "No... Not really."

"But that means there is someone." She said smiling.

When I finally clued in that she was looking for gossip, I wanted to laugh. I could have some fun with this, wasn't sure how my mother would like it but...

I decided to play but...my manners had to go out the window.

"Well, there is but...I'm not sure." I answered.

"Okay, what's wrong with him?" She said laughing.

"Well, he's just so...sexual." I said, trying to keep my voice low and doing my best stay serious and not laugh.