Finding Forever

Chapter 17

The following day, I woke up on the sofa downstairs, packed my belongings, and asked Maisie to have Jayce switch flights for the plane ride home. They booked separately from us and selected an earlier flight to return home. Last night I felt reasonably sure I could handle my humble jumble of feelings on my own, but after a sleepless night of staring at the ceiling and freaking out, I realized I needed to talk to someone. Maisie convinced Jayce to switch my tickets, and without saying goodbye to anyone – including Ryan - I slipped out of the beach house before noon with Maisie in a cab on our way to the airport.

I flop onto an aisle seat beside Maisie and glance at her. I want to talk to her about everything, but I'm worried she thinks I'm crazy. Or worse, she'll say exactly what I don't want to hear – I should be with Ryan. It's a scary thought to talk about him and what happened between us out loud. It just makes everything so...real. His hurtful words: This was a mistake. Only to add: It won't be happening again—the finality of it catching me off guard and still ringing freshly in my ears.

"Okay, seriously. You keep on looking at me like you are dying to say something," Maisie says, glancing over at me. "Just say it already."

I swallow hard to find my voice and look at her.

"I want to talk about what happened, but I'm worried I will get all emotional. And I don't want to get emotional because that would mean I'm emotional over Ryan, which is crazy. It's Ryan."

"Exactly. You guys are best friends. You can't let a little sex ruin that." Her vocals turn up a few higher decibels than normal as sarcasm drips from her voice. 

"I'm so humiliated. Like, what did I think was going to happen? We'd be together? Like boyfriend and girlfriend?" I nervously chuckle, then turn to face Maisie. "You better not have told Jayce," I warn her.

She raises an eyebrow, smirking. "Jesus, Ella, are you in love with Ryan?"

"Uh, no. I only stupidly slept with him because I'm stupid."

"I wouldn't call you and Ryan sleeping together stupid," she pauses, thoughtful. "I think he's in love with you."

"No one is in love with anybody. Did you not hear what he said? We're not together, and we will never be together. It was a mistake, and it won't be happening again. I'm not sure how much clearer he needed to be."

"Yeah, but until I caught you two red-handed, you still kept hooking up with each other."

"It's like this: I've slept with my best friend, but I'm trying to be cool about the whole thing. He said it was a mistake, and he was right. It was. We were both suffering from Spring Break fever and that unrealistic outlook on life only a vacation can give you," I suck in a deep breath, unable to control my emotions on the matter. I look over to meet her gaze, immediately welling with unshed tears. "I just feel so...so...stupid."

"Oh, Ella, come here. You're not stupid." She leans over and hugs me as I cry into her shoulder. I can't hold back anymore.

One mental breakdown later, the flight attendant asks if we'd like a beverage. Maisie asks for two glasses of water and opts for pretzels over cookies.

When I finally pull myself together, she whispers, "I'm sorry I was so blunt with you and Ryan, but I think it had to be said. I love the idea of you two together, but I was trying to make you see how things could get messy...I thought Ryan would finally step up and admit it was more than just sex. And I'm sorry it backfired...but I have to ask...when you were with Ryan, was it more than just sex for you? Did you find yourself wanting something more with him?"

I wipe a few tears from my eyes. "What? No." I sit up and lean back in my seat. "If we're lucky, we'll be able to salvage whatever friendship we have left and make it to the end of our senior year."