Finding Forever

Chapter 22

Six months later

The sun is shining when I step out onto the sidewalk, and the studio doors slide open in front of me. A co-worker of mine waves as I walk down the hallway with a coffee in pursuit of my cubical. The receptionist of the animation department greeted me with a friendly hello, and I greeted her back before sitting down at my desk and turning on my computer.

Six months have flown by. I've made such an impression on Camilla Bright and the animation department head, Anthony Richards, that I've secured a full-time position as a Visual Development Artist. It's a dream come true.

On the outside, my life is pretty awesome. My Instagram feed would make anyone jealous. I have a lovely apartment. Great friends. A cool job. My mom is mentally healthy. And a collection of my paintings will be hung at an art exhibit next weekend. Everything should feel as wonderful as it appears. Except it doesn't.

I am missing the most essential thing in my life – Ryan.

I try not to think about it often. I try to tell myself I've moved on. And more pointedly, Ryan has moved on, too. Jayce and Kale are still in contact with him and told me he is doing well at Yale. He's part of a fraternity, studying hard, and halfway through his first year.

I've done my best to convince myself he is better off without me because it's the only way I've been able to survive these past six months without him in my life.

As I click into an animation I've been asked to work on, I glimpse at a photo tacked onto the corkboard behind my computer. A picture of Maisie, Jayce, Kale, Ryan, and me our first year, all huddled together, smiling at Hennessey. My heart aches. For six months, I've wondered what a colossal idiot I am. Am I a minor idiot who should have stayed to take a chance on love with my best friend? Or am I a major idiot for not suggesting he come with me to Burbank for the summer to see if we could work?

The problem with should have, could have, and would have is that there will always be those unanswered questions you can never fully recover from.

"Hey, happy almost birthday," my co-worker Rylee says, leaning over my cubical.

Oh yeah, tomorrow's my twenty-third birthday.

"Thanks."

"Do you have any plans?" she asks. Rylee is a year older than I am and started working here as an intern a few months after I did. She quickly became one of my best work friends and even lived in the same apartment complex as me.

"Not really," I answer vaguely.

Truthfully, I've been trying to avoid thinking about it because my birthday is the unofficial anniversary of the first time Ryan and I slept together. Thinking back to that night – our first kiss in the back of a cab – only makes me sad...though not thinking about it makes me sadder. Once again, I try to push a memory of Ryan from my mind, though I fail. I can't stop remembering Ryan's face when he told me he loved me and again when I told him it was too late. I don't think I will ever be able to forget his expression.

"Are your friends from San Francisco coming to LA to celebrate? And what about that cutie-pie Kale? Is he going to celebrate with you?"

"Maisie booked me a flight to go back to San Francisco. I leave tomorrow morning to spend my birthday there with her and Jayce. Kale is flying down, too. You could book a flight to come – they are fairly cheap. Or drive the six hours if you wanted."

She shrugs. "Yeah, I could take the drive down if I leave early in the morning. Maybe I'll see if some girls from animation want to tag along."

"Okay. Don't feel pressured. We can always celebrate another time in LA."