Mercy & Fire

19. Survivor's Grief Relived

Adelia

From a young age, I was taught that no one was going to look out for me like I could look out for myself. I never had a father figure to make me feel secure about my place in the world, and my mother made sure to teach me to be self-sufficient. At least as much as she could teach a young child about self sufficiency.

The one time I let myself get my hopes up about finally not having to look over my shoulder, I was robbed of what little innocence and faith I had. This disappointment was much achier and deeper than that betrayal. For once, I saw a glimmer of hope that I would have someone to rely on.

I thought I'd be satisfied if I had Roselena and her family, but after speaking of the future and really thinking about what I envisioned for the future, I realized I wanted a family. The kind you saw in children's books and tales. When Bellfire and I shared that moment before the ogres took us, I thought maybe I could have that.

Of course I had only myself to blame for getting my hopes up like that. Especially when I had no idea what was going through Bellfire's head at that moment.

Now, I was convinced I'd never see him again. Even through the burning ache in my empty stomach, the dry cotton in my mouth, and the throbbing ache of my ankle, I could feel my heart masticating the grief and loneliness.

Somehow I was grateful for my physical misery. I knew that the second these aches and pains disappeared, my heart would be fully ready to commiserate. At least with the distracting pain, I could at least hold it together just a tiny bit more. I wondered for a moment whether that made me a masochist or not. If so, I would proudly take the title.

I tried wetting my lips with my tongue, but after almost three days of wandering around, I had no fluids left in my body. My tongue felt more like a dried piece of meat jerky against my chapped lips.

"What if I die out here? All alone?" I murmured. The vague outline of my mother's face appeared in my mind once more.

Gathering my small bit of strength, I carried on and on, until my ears began to pick up on the sweetest sound.

A rushing sound with the occasional trickle of moving waters hit my ears and I knew I was close. I followed the sound as best I could until I saw it. It was undoubtedly freezing in the dropping temperatures of the night, but to me, it looked like an oasis in the middle of a dry, arid desert.

My legs moved on their own, rushing to the edge of the creek despite the protest in my  right ankle. Dropping to my knees, I cupped the clear water and immediately began to swallow it down.

The water made my stomach twist and gurgle as it stretched full, almost to the point of making me feel sick.

I rinsed my face and watched dirt mix into the water before taking a moment o rest on the cold ground. Once the water stilled, I was able to see my face in reflection of its surface. Dark circles shadowed around my eyes, and my hair had gone from bouncy curls to a wavy mess of grease and dirt. I looked horrid.

Looking away, I proceeded to rinse my arms and chest, gathering water on my dress, which I was sure to regret later when the cold of the night approached. That didn't matter when the prospect of feeling any sort of clean was sitting right in front of me.

I eventually began to rinse my hair as best I could, which made the water go murkier than it was before.

In the midst of my bath, I heard the faint crunching of leaves and twigs in the distance. My heart jumped to my throat, and I scrambled to my feet, stumbling toward the thickest tree trunk I could find. I pressed against it, hoping that the steps were coming from the opposite direction.