Leading Ladies Anthology [FEATURED STORY]

@Tamoja - Mapping Out The Curves

I stand in front of the full length mirror. The burnt out light bulb makes it easier to look. Silhouettes and shadows instead of sags and wrinkles. The steam from the running shower causes a softening. I can almost see beauty, if I squint and turn my head just a little to the left.

When he was here, we laughed about the lines. We reminisced about the grey hairs - naming them after our children or catastrophic events that surely led to the fleeing of color and collagen.

With his arms enveloping my body from behind it was easy to see a bigger picture. Instead of a body, it was a definition. It was a picture of words: woman, wife, mother, and all the titles and words that come with being more.

Now the envelope has been opened. It has flown across the sea to other ports with its worn spots and creases. The children have become titles of their own, and the words that describe me blur like newsprint left on the porch in sun and rain.

I remember the feeling of drowning in touch. Of being entwined with another body so deeply that air isn't needed. Of being pulled on, and pulled apart and divided so many ways to make others thrive.

Looking now I see truth. The sags, the scars, the remnants of giving. They have left me a barren landscape. Like loggers who have cleared the majestic pines leaving holes and destruction. The products and paper are wonderful, but what about the mountain and it's bleeding empty scar? What about Mother Earth crying for those trees she fed and nurtured through storms and snow and drought? Who calms her heart?

I have become "The Giving Tree" by Shel Silverstein. The ending of course. The stump left over with nothing left because it had given it all. And yet I am here. In front of a dimly lit mirror growing thick with condensation. Making the picture even more real as it begins to make my image blur.

Without my titles and stripped of my backward embrace who am I? It's not as if I'm at a starting point. Unless one can consider an ending and beginning in the middle of a story normalcy. That doesn't happen does it? Perhaps.

And the cliche's. Yes, they are spouted and announced and presented like gemstone gifts to an orphan traveler. 'A new start', 'you're finally free to chase your own dreams', 'God doesn't close a door without opening a window'. This is perhaps my favorite.
I'm far too old to be climbing through windows. And am I so vain to believe that God, if he's there on top of the dollhouse of humanity, is opening a window for a old woman who has been abandoned- instead of feeding children who are starving or holding soldiers dying on the soil. I dare say, even I find that poor judgement.

The mirror has disappeared behind a thick cover of steam that collects and clings until it has no choice but to run. I see patterns mimicking tears, perhaps for me, as mine have seemed to run out.

But even without the reflection. I am here. My sags and curves and grey hair. All of me. Without titles, husband less, a mother to children who are well capable mothers of their own. Half of an embrace, a whisper of a past. Yes, I'm all those things. And yet, like the stump of a tree on a ripped up mountain, or a children's book, I remain.

About Tammy

I am Tammy Oja and I live in Michigan with my husband, two children, and my yourkie-poo Buster. I am a full time RN whose career has been primarily in Medical Intensive Care.

My biggest personal passion is reading. Getting lost in a story and having that magical moment afterwards of feeling I experienced it. I am trying my hand at writing, and have written works on essay, poetry, and even some short books.

Wattpad is a daily joy for me. I've never been one to dabble in social media but it has changed my life. Here, in this virtual world I laugh, cry, get angry, and celebrate with people I wouldn't know on the street but most I can instantly recognize. 

Being part of LOL+35 is a new experience as well and these ladies are terrific for keeping me entertained, on my toes, and feeling like a part of something wonderful. I look forward to this journey and someday writing something that takes someone's breath away, and maybe mine as well!