Rooftops

Solitude

teagan

" Mommy where are we going ? " I ask in a quiet voice, not wanting to be on the receiving end of my mother's anger.

I hear her let out an incoherent mumble, but I am left answer less, nothing unusual though but there was something off today - more than usual off off today.

The car swerved harshly, making me cling tightly to the seat belt which was already digging around my neck.

I stay silent after that, my brown eyes taking in the change of scenery as we moved towards our unknown destination.

It was rare of my mother to take me with her anywhere, or to spend some ' mother-daughter ' time, and I had accepted that a while back - thankful for the roof on my head, the two time meals and clothes.

" Get out ! " Lost in my thoughts, I didn't notice we had stopped, looking around I see we had stopped in front of a huge house.

By the time my small body had gotten out of the car, she was already talking to the guard at the gate.

The old man smiles at me kindly as I enter inside, pausing to look around while my mother walked on.

Returning his smile, I hurry off behind my mother, her dark skin similar to mine looking like a contrast against the white door which she was knocking on.

" I am here ! I am - " The man's words get stuck in his throat as soon as he spots my mother, his smile fading off quickly and replaced with confusion and anger.

" Meredith ? " He asks, my mother's name falling off his tongue in shock and disbelief .

I don't hear a reply from my mother, but she steps back and suddenly pushes me to the front, my little body colliding with the man's legs who was staring at me intently, shock - confusion - realization.

I wait for my mother to say something and she does, leaving me standing there, tears rolling down my cheeks as I run after her to take me back, as I smack my tiny hands on her car window while she reverses the car and leaves without even looking behind.

My ' father ' who I had never seen before, calls out for Mike, who was presumingly the guard to get me inside.

The old man stares at me with sadness, as he scoops my crying little self up in his arms, his every attempt at making me smile failing as I kept going over what she said -

" You are also responsible for her, I have taken care of her for five years now, it's time to take responsibility of your mistake. "

*****

My father was a young man just like my mother who recently turned 21, his brown eyes the only thing we shared because other than that I was an exact replica of my mother.

He wasn't pleased to say the least, quite contrary to what my childish self had imagined about meeting the father I never had. His parents, my grandmother and grandfather stared at me with an expression I couldn't name but it was anything but happy.

" How can she just throw this at
you ? After all these years ? What will people say ? This girl doesn't even look like you. What about Clarice ? Will she accept her ? "

They talked about me as if I wasn't standing there, cowered behind the couch, as if I didn't exist and in that moment I wished for nothing more than that.

" I will talk to her. "

Her as in my father's girlfriend.

" Baby I know, please understand. It was just a mistake. "

They accepted me into their life, but I was as important as the decorative pieces lying around the house.

*****

My father went on with his studies and so did Clarice, who was technically now my mother as they had married, while I was homeschooled as advised by my grandmother because they couldn't handle the embarrassment that would tag along with me.

I was ten the first time we moved, and the first time I went to a real school. People teased me about my obvious different physical appearance from my parents but I became used to it.

Somewhere between moving on to different places and schools and houses, I grew up to be detached from everyone - my parents who were never really mine, friends I never made and relatives who never cared. Solitude was the only thing that gave me solace.

*****

Everything went on well, my parents avoided me and even though it hurt, I chose to do the same until they started having issues.

And they blamed me.

*****