Roses for Rachel

Chapter 39.

                  

He might as well have kicked me in the gut rather than tell me that.

I didn't know what to think anymore. I only vaguely remember Fern mentioning something about blood bonding, but that feels like it was lifetimes ago. My tears still fell down my hot cheeks, but I felt numb.

"Rachel, please say something." Calvin said softly, and I could feel him looking hard at my face, but I couldn't formulate words, or feelings, or anything really. I just stood there like a statue with a broken heart. "Baby?" He pleaded painfully and I backed away, turning my back on him while I went to sit in the chair beside the vanity. He followed me, kneeling down in front of me, his black button down wrinkling where he pulled on the bottom of it in frustration. He put his hand on my bare knee but I shifted out from under his touch, pulling my skirt further down over my legs. "Please talk to me."

"What do you want me to say?" I finally asked. "I don't even know what this means." I added, my voice coming out as an even monotone. "Aside from me, she is the girl you spent the most amount of time with, you ran after her that time when she found us kissing, you wrote her letters while you were away..." I let the accusation hang heavy in the air between us.

"Nothing is going on between us, Rachel." He promised, raising his head up, trying to make me meet his eyes, but I focused my blank stare on his mouth instead, unable to bare the weight of his stares, knowing they'd make me forget everything. "I will tell you everything, just give me a chance."

"Yeah, ok." I muttered.

Calvin stood up, pacing back and forth in front of my chair. "Look, I told you before that when I first smelled your scent, I wrote you off. I didn't think there was going to be a future with us, so I...well, I drank the blood samples from all of the other girls." He said balling his fists as he spoke. "I was particularly drawn to Lexton's after I tasted it." He admitted. "So much so, that when the servants tried to bring me more of everyone's the next night...I requested that I only be brought hers." He sighed, and I could feel my fingers shaking in my lap, echoing the shakiness of my breath. "This was before you and I started anything, Rachel. You weren't anything to me then, just a..."

"Human." I said hollowly.

Calvin stopped in his tracks and pulled his hands through his hair. "That isn't what I was going to say!" He insisted, but I didn't believe him. "I never thought you and I were going to happen. You were so unhappy here and constantly fighting me and everyone else, so I didn't think anything about it when I allowed myself to...I've only drank her blood since she came here, even when I went away, Rachel, I took a supply." He covered his face with his hands. "I can't imagine how hard it must be to hear that, but I promised to be honest with you."

I finally looked up at him. "You're right." I whispered. "You have no idea how shitty it feels."

He took a step towards me again, but I turned my head and he stopped, going back to his pacing. "I enjoyed her company, and I think of her as a friend, but I'm...the only way I can describe it is like a craving, a strong craving that makes me go a little crazy in her presence."

"I don't want to hear anymore." I snapped, standing up from my seat and walking towards the door.

Calvin cut me off, standing in my way and looking at me with so much sadness, but I couldn't bring myself to feel bad for him this time. "I have to tell you the rest." He said so low I hardly could hear him. "The night that you and I got into that fight, when you almost killed yourself with that elixir...After I left you, I was so upset, Rachel. I was hurt and not thinking and I went to her. We...we kissed." He said in a rush, then held his hands up to me. "Nothing else like that has ever happened between us, we only kissed the one time, but there is something else."