Grey's Tribute

The Feeling Of Love

Forgiveness has a weightlessness to it - a lightness that doesn't weigh me down, it makes me able to concentrate on the heavier things in my life. The more important things, like today, I can focus on today instead of yesterday because yesterday is over and there is nothing I can do about it, nothing can change yesterday, but today..... today I can change. One thought and action at a time. I decide to shed those weights with conscious thought. It's all about my choices and how I move forward. It's liberating letting go of the past.

I've learned from it and avoid making the same choices again.

The chains of guilt, of blame, of discontent, of anger, of fear, that so heavily held my shoulders down and bent my soul crooked and fouled it with its putrid stench are removing themselves one by one until I feel like I'm living again.....like I'm breathing again.

It wasn't easy I had to commit every day to move forward, to not let those hissing thoughts overtake me, fight against their constrictive grip that doesn't allow me to truly live how I should be living.

I'm not sure how it all happened, how slowly each chain started removing themselves. Dropping away leaving me lighter, happier than yesterday, a light has started to push away the darkness away from my heart.

The feel of my growing belly makes me smile contently, the tiny little kicks that I can now feel telling me I really do have a Future inside me.

I like looking at myself in the mirror seeing how every day my body is changing, growing with a Future inside.

Before I couldn't get past the horror of my flesh, always those scars were at the forefront that I could not get past. When I look at myself now I still see every line, every raised pink mark showing me my past but it's in the background, now all I can see in the mirror is my growing Future that is growing strong with life.

Those lines and marks are a present memory that taught me about the choices I make and about a Future I want.

Grey stands behind me as I smooth out my shirt over my belly, turning sideways examining the changes from yesterday. I grab his hand placing it where the tiny little foot is trying to kick out my flesh.

His hand is warm and the little life inside is drawn to it, the kicks increase tenfold whenever he does this. His lips touch my neck, briefly grazing my mark causing a flush to spread on the surface of my skin.

"He's getting stronger," he says with such a true smile on his face that my heart has no choice but to smile back at him.

Eyeing him in the new light I'm seeing him in, letting my gaze fall on him longer and longer. I like to look at him when I think he's busy doing something else but he always knows when I'm watching. He'll turn around and give me a smirk or he'll just stop what he's doing and walk over to me and places a deep kiss on my lips. One that has my hands tangled in his hair. My legs wrapping around his waist. The kind of kiss that begs for more, begs for body contact, begs for him to have me.

Skin on skin.

He always stops, never giving me more than a kiss, he was serious when he said that after my heat we would become friends first and it would be up to me to go further. He never tried to push more than what I want. I know he wants more, needs more from me but he's not rushing this and I'm thankful for that.

I'm constantly sick with the rising and falling hormones in my system. I'm in bliss when he's around me, my own personnel whiskey that gets me intoxicated with just the thought of him.

He looks nice in a pair of dark grey suit pants with a white crisp shirt. The top two buttons undone on his shirt has a hint....just a hint of his firm chest underneath. My compulsions want to unbutton the rest of his buttons and I look at him seeking permission.