torn hose: a mother's story

Ohana Means Family And Family Means....

Summer flew by and it was the beginning of the eighth week before we knew it.

Candice, by now, had become such a wonderful part of our lives that it almost felt like she always had been. To the outside observer, Candice was as much a girl and my daughter, as Rachel was.

By now, even I had changed. Having Candice around and seeing how happy she had become as a girl had caused me to soften and accept that this is who she was and that Raymond was gone for good.

Over the past weeks, Candice had come out of her shell and quickly lost any shyness or inhibitions over accepting her role as a girl. So it was quite obvious when she wasn't herself at breakfast this morning. Her personality was subdued and she barely said two words throughout the meal.

Right after breakfast, Candice returned to her room to be alone.

An hour later, as I was gathering laundry, I was about to enter Candice's bedroom when I heard something and stopped just outside her door.

I quickly realized it was quiet sobbing I was hearing and it was coming from inside Candice's room. I opened the door quietly and peeked inside.

I found Candice lying on her bed with a pillow over her face.

The sight of my child lying curled up in the fetal position crying into a pillow broke my heart.

I went in and sat down beside her. I stroked her back for a moment before kicking off my shoes and lying down behind her.

I cuddling her and stroked her hair for several minutes before finally asking her what was upsetting her.

Still sobbing, she responded, "Mommy do you love me as Candice as much as you did as Raymond?"

"Of course I do. I love you the same either way . . . Is that what this is about? You think I don't love you?"

"I know you say you love Candice and Raymond the same, but honestly mom, you don't think you like having one around more than the other?"

My first thought upon hearing her question was how to respond. I immediately knew my answer, but I also knew if I told her I preferred one over the other and the one I answered with wasn't the right one, then I could not only devastate, but also risk losing my child.

So I stuck with a mom answer.

"Each of you have unique personalities and different things about you that makes each of you special. I could spend quite a bit of time listing the different qualities that make Raymond and Candice each special. Why?"

Candice turned over on her back and sat up.

"Mom . . . the truth is, I don't want to go back to being a boy on Monday. I much prefer being a girl. I've always been curious about what it would be like to be a girl and now that you've shown me, I know how I want to live the rest of my life. I get that you made the decision to force me live this summer as a girl in order to scare me into never dressing up again, as punishment for stealing and running your hose and to scare me into manning up, but I can't, I just can't."

She reached up a began to nervously fidget with the dangly earrings in one of her ears.

"This summer has been the happiest of my life, mom. I don't know what to do. I love being Rachel's little sister and your daughter, more than you will ever understand. I know you have dreams about the man you want me to grow up to be, but I know I can't live up to your expectations. I'm so sorry momma, I really am. I want to make you proud but I also know I want to be a girl. I'm more sure of this than I have been of anything else, ever."

I wrapped my arms around her shoulders, pulled her back tightly against my breast and hugged her tightly as I replied, "Candi I have loved having you around as my daughter this summer and Rachel has loved having sister. I would be lying if I said I haven't missed Raymond, but not a much as I have enjoyed Candi. I love you with all my heart and I want you to be happy and comfortable with your life. Sure I've had many dreams and expectations about you as an adult man, but I could just as easily see you growing up to be a beautiful, strong young woman."

I began to gently stroke one of her arms with my nails as I gathered my thoughts and continued.

"Sweetheart, if you really want to live the rest of your life as a girl and you're absolutely sure about it. I'll work on getting you an appointment so we can all go see a doctor, sort this all out and find out what the next step is towards helping you physically become the woman you want to be. What do you think?"

At that moment, Rachel, who had been listening at the door, stepped into the bedroom and rushed straight towards me. She plopped down next on the bed and placed her arms around us, hugging us both tight.

She began to tear up as she spoke, "Welcome to the family, little sister, Candi."