Hard Life

ten

dear empty paper,

I groan loudly and drop my pencil, shaking my head.

This is so fucking stupid. It's just pointless.

I roll my eyes in utter annoyance and pick the pencil up again.

im supposed to write about my day, my feelings, and anything else that i need to talk about.

I mutter under my breath sarcastically, "Fucking love expressing myself."

i feel like writing is stupid. i feel like writing is pointless and for people who want attention.

i don't want attention so honestly fuck writing. no one cares about this. especially me.

great start. anyway, my day (bullet points because im not writing paragraphs on this shit):

My finger tap my pencil quickly against the desk light.

Walking through the crowed hallway when I get shoved back and my books thrown down. A small burst of panic sets in as laughing seems to come from everywhere.

I shake my head and stop thinking.

hung out with friends

"He's actually the ugliest human I've ever seen. Ew, just look at his face. Girls would rather be with Freddy Kruger than this alien lookin." They laugh. "Right, Leo?"

I look up and stare at the younger boy they're talking to. He's not ugly at all. If he had enough confidence he would be at the top. His eyes look into mine. Desperate. Weak.

I look down and play with the paper clips in my hand. "Yeah, the first time I saw him, I swear, I almost threw up."

They all laugh. I don't look back up.

joked with classmates

"I'm not going to read, that's hella lame." He says scoffing, and nods to his friend who nods back approvingly.

The teacher doesn't bother with him and calls on another student to read.

"Leo, go."

I look at the open book. Its math. I love math.

I look up at the boy and he just stares back, already disappointed.

I close my book and look up at the teacher. "What you think I'm a bitch?"

The teacher glares at me as a warning for my language.

After a quick glance at the boy who looks mildly surprised, I roll my eyes at the teacher and slides the book off my desk.

Math was never so great anyway.

participated in class

The English teacher hands me my graded test paper and I stare at the grade.

D-

I look over at the test of the girl in front of me.

A

The girl next to me.

B+

I look back down at my test and crumble it into a ball.

In front of me the girl turns around. "So, Leo, what score did you get?"

"B+. I studied so hard though, I'm  really disappointed I didn't get an A."

The girl next to me looks over. "I got a B+ too! God, you always do so good on tests I always barely get Bs. I feel like this teacher just doesn't like us, we deserve A's, huh?"

Nodding agreeably, I give her a smile. "Yeah for sure."

I squeeze the paper in my fist.

gets an amazing test score!!

The lunch time bell rings and I head straight to the bathroom. Locking myself in the stall, I hide in silence until the bell rings, ending lunch. I walk out of the stall and throw my lunch into the trash can. Not hungry anymore.

had a food fight with best friends during lunch (almost got in trouble but stopped to be respectful)

Picks up half eaten sandwich from the floor and throws it in the trash bag. 8 more after school hours of this and all detention hours will be cleared.

volunteered to help the environment as an afterschool activity

The sun glares at me and I quickly cross the street. Almost home. I heard some kid walking, got hit by a car here and died in the hospital.

mom picked me up from school and we sang the songs on the radio together

I drop my backpack at the front door. Already threw my homework away at school. Goes straight to my room and lays on the bed.

finished all my homework

"You don't need to know everything about my life. I don't care about you and you clearly don't give a fuck about me. Please let's not pretend." I confess to them.

They look at me and start yelling at the same time saying two different things.

"STOP TALKING TO ME LIKE YOU CARE ABOUT MY RESPONSE." I'm heated. They're heated. At this point everyone's heated.

I started it.

Parents are just big and irresponsible kids. They don't deserve to be respected.

Another night sent to bed without dinner. Not like it's something I'm really missing out on though.

had dinner as family, truly wished it never ended

She was in my room at night. Nothing bad.

Just talked about how we needed each other: she needed the money by fostering me, I legally needed an adult.

She talks a lot about money. She needs it for food and rent. Yet she spends it on pills. She says they're prescribed. I've never seen her once go to the pharmacy. All of this is, of course, behind her husbands back.

talks together at night to strengthen us as a family

I glance at the clock.

3:26 am.

gets a good nights rest

I place the pencil down and read over what I wrote.

My eyes begin to sting and I sigh and lean back in my chair.

"Goodnight me."

I turn off my light.