i wanna be yours // phan

two

phil

i stretch my body across the grass languidly, kicking out my feet and crossing them at the ankles as i wait for dan. the weather is quite moody today-well, everyday if you live in london-the cloudless sky burns bright blue and is accompanied by an uncharacteristically warm wind. it's not too uncomfortable to be in but it really doesn't matter, most things are not worth having an opinion about anyway.

"hey! hey! phil, how was it? how did it go?" and there he comes, daniel howell, known for caring way too much about everything, especially when said everything is about me. i just smile at him to ease the panic in his voice and pat the empty space next to me.

"it was. . .alright? i guess, i don't know how it went," i shrug lazily and watch as he pushes his fingers into his windblown curls, his cheeks flushed a deep pink and his breathing heavy. he probably ran here as soon as his class got over to ask me how my exam went.

"what is that supposed to mean?" he furrows his eyebrows in a disappointing manner and i just bring my hand to his face, running my index finger down the middle of his forehead and watching as his eyes fall shut as i trace softly over his nose and down to his lips.

"that means," i take my hand back and now his breathing has regulated but his cheeks still remain flushed. "that it was alright?" i truly don't know how the exam went, it was just. . .whatever, i guess.

"you need to stop doing that phil, that was the last course that-" he starts lecturing me in the true 'dan' fashion and i roll my eyes, turning to my left and letting my head drop in his lap. his mouth stops running for a moment as he looks down at me, his plain brown eyes trying their hardest to let all his worry saturate the colour. a second later he just huffs out a breath and winds his fingers into my hair, and i smile at him again.

"you need to start caring about these things phil, it's important," he says softly and i nod mindlessly, not really listening.

"yeah, yeah," i brush the conversation off because that's really not what matters. "hey, did you find her today?" i bite my lip as i look up at him and he sighs loudly before removing his hands from my hair and leaning back on his palms.

"no phil," his voice is stiff and for a second i can feel the disappointment in my chest. it leaks into the emptiness of my heart and slushes around painfully because i want her here.

i imagine my soulmate to be everything i'm not-she'll know how to care for things that matter, she'll be compassionate and loving and have emotions that are not necessarily required. she must be short tempered, a little dramatic for that extra punch of personality and someone who argues way too much because of her opinions.

i want her to be my better half.

there have been so many tales about soulmates finding each other in the most absurd of ways, and how each person transforms once they find their soulmate-generally for the better. finding your soulmate is supposed to be one's primal goal in life.

of course the same can't be said for the strings. like dan. sometimes i envy him, he doesn't have to depend on anybody to find his soulmate for him-because he doesn't have one. he can just pick a random person in the street and fall in love with them and have a mediocre, average life. i can't do that, i have to search for her, wait for her to step into my life and ignite my soul and spark my inspiration. i want her to change the way i look at things, i want her to change me.

i'm just so bored of my life.

she is going to be the exact opposite of what i am. kind of like dan, because he too is annoying with his one hundred emotions and his ability to start a fight about anything, but just a calmer version maybe. a calmer and a female version.

and i don't think that's too bad.

--
hey what's up u guys yes how are we liking this
- annanya