i wanna be yours // phan

nine

dan

i'd only ditched class once in my life, and then it was because of phil. but i couldn't help feeling i was about to do it again for the very same reason.

the air in the huge room was thick and heavy, weighing on my shoulders and giving me a pounding headache, and the professor wouldn't stop talking. the words rang in my head, bouncing around against my skull, but none of it was sticking. even though the walls of the echoingly large room were practically miles away, they felt like they were closing in on me rapidly.

i held in a groan and tugged at a handful of curly hair. i was confused and scared and pissed at everything, because how the fuck is any of this fair? we were always doomed at the most fundamental level, but at least i had phil to myself. until now.

i had heard the horror stories about strings who kept soulmates from each other. you were supposed to feel physical pain the longer you kept silent, it was supposed to make you suffer, keep you from sleeping. but i couldn't help thinking-- all those strings were nasty people, wanting to get revenge on their knots for something they'd done, or just wanting to keep it to themselves for their own selfish reasons. i wasn't like that, was i? none of the stories came from the string being madly in love with one of them... that i had heard of.

i glanced to the right. phil was sitting two seats away, staring at his pencil, which he was tapping on his knee in an offbeat pattern. i felt dizzy. i had to get out of here, lust and devastation flowed through my bloodstream, and annoyance at both of them boiled in my stomach.

i carefully and silently tucked my notebook back into my bag, zipping it up quietly, glancing over at phil every few seconds. he didn't look up and i sighed, relieved. i couldn't deal with him right then, i needed to be alone.

i stood up slowly, watching him, and shuffled left. he still wasn't looking, staring at his lap, clearly bored out of his mind. i used to try and entertain him when he made that face, i would throw paper airplanes at him or write him notes.

finally i got to the edge of the aisle and i hurried down the steps without looking back, my black sneakers making soft pattering noises against the thin carpet with every step until i was out and they touched the tile of the hall.

i exhaled in relief, leaning against the wall and catching my breath, closing my eyes. i was so grateful i had gotten out of there without phil noticing; maybe the universe was on my side-- about one thing, at least.

or maybe not.

i opened my eyes and gasped sharply at how close phil's face was mine, and phil's hand flew up to cover my mouth. he rolled his eyes, a smirk painting his features.

"jesus, you're bad at this."

i glared at him, reaching up to pry his hand away. "shut up," i said when i was able to speak again. he shrugged, turning away.

"so, where are we going?"

i groaned, running my fingers through my curls and tugging, frustrated. why was the one time he was clingy also the one time i didn't want him to be?

"actually, you aren't coming."

he turned back to me, his cerulean eyes burning into me. "why not?"

"because," i huffed, crossing my eyes and avoiding his eyes. i heard him laugh at me and come close again, his hands resting against the wall on either side of my head.

"i'm coming," he mumbled. there it was again; that thing in his voice. the thing that made me want to fall to my knees for him. "you aren't sneaking out without me, dan."

i couldn't help it; i glanced up at him. i was so weak. his eyes made me shiver.

"i want to be alone."

he raised his eyebrows. "are you mad at me?"

i swallowed and shook my head. i wanted him to kiss me to convince me, but it was so wrong... he wasn't mine. he wasn't mine for sure now. and every time i thought about kissing him i saw her, the girl he was really meant to be with.

"then why are you acting so weird?"

i frowned at him but i was afraid it wasn't convincing. "i'm not acting weird. fuck off."

"yeah, you are," he insisted, but he shrugged, pulling back. i missed his body warmth. "come on. let's go to your place."

i took a shaky breath, squeezing my eyes shut and trying to collect myself. every minute with him was torture, but i still couldn't get enough of it.

i don't think i ever can.

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written by foreverhome-