gold & lilacs

XLII

dear lover,

you say you're in love with me. don't you say that. you might love me. but you're not in love with me. you're in love with the idea of us. you're in love with the feeling of us. maybe. but you're not in love with me.

you said it was a beautiful night under the stars. you never said how the images we formed out of those stars were adorably meaningless. you never mentioned how that night was brighter than others. or how my hand fit in yours. perfectly. like all the right things. you never expressed if you felt any safer beside me in that one moment. or if you feared losing me. or that you knew that i was gone too far away. already.

you said you wanted to hear my voice. you never said anything about the way i talked. how i said irrelevant things when there was nothing for you to say. how i talked out of pace. you noticed that i was closing our words. you noticed that i was talking out of point. i was talking out of lines. but i was talking. but you stopped.

you said you wanted to be under the sheets. you never said that you wanted to be under the sheets with me. and not out of your clothes. and speak out fake dreams. and talk about songs. and poetry. and pretty non-existent places. and ice cream flavours.

you didn't want me to touch you. you only wanted the touch. you never talked about the electrifying shiver that went down your back each time i kissed you. you only liked the taste of lips. not mine. just lips.

you say that you miss me. you never tell me if you bothered to pick up the wooden beads that fell from my bracelet behind your couch the morning i left. you never tell me if you put them in rows. or try to form our initials with them. you never tell me if you still inhale my fragrance from your sweater. no matter how many times it has been washed. you never tell me if you go to library and look for the books i mentioned during some random conversations. or if you eat dark chocolates. like you did. when i did. you never really liked them. but you pretended to.

you are not in love with me. you just happen to be in love. it's a ritual for you. i'm just a form. a medium for your love. anyone can play that for you.

i was fine before you. you made me feel somewhat better. but the truth is that i was better before too. i will be better after too.

you had been in love before me. you fell in love with me. but the truth is that you were in love before too. you will be in love after too. i only gave you a formation for your love. a solid existence for you to express it.

you say you're in love with me. but you can be in love with anyone. so don't make me stay. because you can still be in love.

- i hope you would stop making feelings out of people

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A/N - It's difficult but I'm trying to continue the ride. I hope you would still like to accompany.