A Player's Game

Chapter 24: Looking Down the Bottom of the Barrel

March 2, 7:23pm

It's been a while since I wrote in here, but I needed to get my thoughts on paper instead of them constantly exhausting me, running through my head. I can never get my thoughts in words while also saying those words out loud. And it's not like I have anyone to listen to those words either. I haven't really told Frankie which is the only person I would tell if I was going to say anything, but the rest of my friends don't know and neither do my parents. The only one who really knows is Nate, which I never thought in a million years I would ever tell him something important ever again. It's kind of nice to be at peace with him and moved on like I never thought would happen. Now, I have to move on from someone else. Logan. My heart still aches even when I write his name or think about his name. It's been at least a week—maybe a week and a half—since I talked to him in the hallway. Now, I think I should hear him out. I keep trying to convince myself that it's the right thing to do just cause there's this small part of me that wants to see him and talked to him again, but I don't even know what's right and wrong anymore. Whatever I did, I knew Nate was right. That I would regret it if I didn't let him explain. I hope that my future self—if I look back and read this—is content with whatever decision I choose.

I took the cap off the end of the pen and closed it, then lay it on the page. I closed the journal I haven't use in a while and placed it back on the corner of my desk. I hoped that someday I wouldn't regret letting Logan explain, because I knew myself. I would eventually cave in, whether it was tomorrow, a week from now, or next month. I couldn't live life without him knowing something was unfinished. I got out my homework that was due tomorrow after I procrastinated it all weekend.

After I finished my homework, I picked out the outfit I was going to wear tomorrow and brushed my teeth, getting ready for bed. I said goodnight to my parents and climbed into bed, laying flat on my back, gazing straight at the ceiling. After a while of staring at nothing, my eyelids begin to feel heavy and then everything went black.

~

I found myself sitting at a Cafeteria table with my friends. It was break and I knew I was aware that I wasn't listening to anything they were saying, but to be fair, I had a lot on my mind. All of a sudden, I felt poking on my shoulder and also became aware they knew I wasn't paying any attention to them. I think the staring into space may have given it away. I look over to see Teddy trying to get my attention and the others staring at me like something was wrong.

"What?" I asked them pretending I didn't know what they were trying to do.

"Earth to Stella," Teddy voiced and the others giggled.

"What did I miss?"

"What's going on with you? This pass week it's like you're here, but you're not here." Frankie asked honestly and even though it slightly didn't make sense, I understood what he was saying. And I totally agreed. I came to school everyday, but my mind wasn't here, it was always thinking about Logan.

"I just have a lot on my mind right now and sometimes I can't focus, that's all," I lied.

"Does it have anything to do with Logan? We know something happened between you guys. A lot of people are talking about it," I heard Alivia say.

"People are talking about me?" I sounded worried.

"I mean not a lot, a lot, but people don't know what happened with you guys and people want to know I guess. I mean they are talking more about Logan, than you."

"Why, whats wrong with him?"

"I don't really know 'cause I haven't seen him much, but apparently he just doesn't look good."