Ten | newtmas

forty six

Everything is a blur. In some ways that's a good thing, because the longer I let myself stay focused and in the moment, the higher my chances are of freaking out. For example, when I get my dress shirt on that my mother brings to me, I don't remember actually getting changed.

Small details catch my eye and stick with me. Things like Chuck's snoring while my mom wheels me out of the room, or the smell of her perfume—her good one, if I recall correctly. The chill of the November air outside making my hands and nose freeze up.

I'm exhausted, but my anxiety starts to wake me up as she brings me further into the main building. Apparently I don't actually have much to do. My only real job is to pass the examination. It'll be done by someone that doesn't work at TIMI, so that's an advantage on my part. My only disadvantage is literally everything else.

We stop at a large black door, and my mother fusses with my hair, making me wince.

"Are you ready, sweetie?" she asks.

"I don't know how to answer that," I say, mostly to myself. I'm not ready for a lot of things that come with this. I'm still not sure if I'm even well enough; especially since Chuck's freakout last night. Thomas seems to think I am, but he's not here to tell me that now.

"Preferably with a yes," Mom says. I don't know why I bothered doing anything but lying.

"Then yes," I say.

She pushes the door open, and I hold it as she wheels me into the room. It's decently sized. I see a few people from TIMI that I recognize—obviously including Dr. Paige and Dr. Janson—along with a whole bunch of people I don't recognize. It's not that hard to figure out who the judge is.

About now is when I start wondering what a sane person looks like. It's like when I was younger and would be accused of lying about something, then I'd overthink every little thing I did, trying to make sure I didn't look like a liar. Would a sane person look nervous, or relaxed? Would a sane person sit like this? What will make me look like I still belong here?

My dad is in here already. I haven't seen him in a while, so when I catch his eye, it gives me anxiety. The first thing that comes to mind is the time he met Thomas and was blatantly rude to him. Defensiveness flares up in me, but I have to not focus on that right now. Bigger fish to fry.

I'm brought up to the front, and my mind is elsewhere. It has to be. The only problem is that the majority of the places my brain likes to go to are Thomas related. For example, when I see Ava Paige, all I can wonder is what she'll do to Thomas if I leave.

But maybe it's a good thing to keep in mind, because the only way to stop her is getting through this trial. I don't want to leave Thomas, but I do want to keep him safe the same way he's kept me safe. Thomas is owed that.

My parents talk to the lawyer, and I tune them out. I know my role already. Be sane. That's it. My wheelchair and broken ankle aren't exactly helping my case, considering how it happened. But I have to stick to my story that it was entirely by accident. That's another thing I have to worry about.

It's surreal to be here, actually. After everything, it comes down to a few moments of trying to prove myself. Of course, this may be over as soon as it starts once we get into what happened when I escaped. I'm not sure if I committed any crimes myself, but I know Thomas did.

Eventually, the judge starts talking and everyone is seated. I don't understand much of what he says, aside from that we're here to discuss the petition to have me involuntarily committed made by Dr. Paige. The part that catches my attention is when they say I'll be taken into a separate room to do the examination.