Ten | newtmas

epilogue

Sometimes, I wonder where I would be now if I'd never had OCD, anxiety, or depression. Because it's hard not to wonder, right? I can't help but think what would have happened if I didn't spend nearly three years harboring that darkness in me. That constant battle going on inside my head—which, technically, is still going on.

Mental illness sucks. It ruins lives, and sometimes even takes them. I've been seeing Dr. Rachel for a few months now, and the more we speak, the more I realize. That day when Tommy saved me from the car, I didn't want to be saved. Recalling the moment, I can place the horrible coldness and emptiness I felt all over my body, extending to an unnaturally numb mind. But now, I can't believe that even happened.

So, what would I be like if none of it had happened? I'd probably be a lot further ahead in my studies. Maybe I would have been the partying type like Alby was. Or maybe I would have joined a sport, or a few clubs, or have gotten a job. I'd be further in my driving career than having my learner's permit—which I've only had for a week now—and I'd have my college plans laid out.

But that's not how it went. Dwelling on it certainly won't change that. So all I can do now is look at where I am. In my recovery, and in my life. Although I wish I could have gotten to this point in a different way, I'm proud of myself now, and I'm thankful that I'm finally here.

At least some good came out of it all. For example, today wouldn't be happening without me. The past two months, actually. Living proof of that is the three people sitting with me in the car right now.

"You spoke to him today, right?" Alby asks. He's behind the wheel, as usual. We've made this trip so many times that he doesn't even need directions anymore.

"Is that even a question?" Minho says from directly behind me. He's been home for two weeks, and he's not a hundred percent better, but getting there. He was one of the first to leave TIMI after Thomas.

Chuck snorts next to him in response. He was the last of the Normals to leave. I did a few more home visits after Thomas' trial, and Chuck's was by far the worst. His parents reluctantly took him back in, and no trials were necessary for anyone else because TIMI has bigger problems on their hands.

It's not over. The whole thing will probably take quite a bit more time, but it's out of my control now. Mrs. Flores keeps me updated, though. As of right now, TIMI and WCKD are under investigation, and the trial is underway. That's the most I could ask for, especially since they got the warrant to search TIMI and they now have a boatload of evidence—including an uncashed check given to Ava Paige from Dr. Spilker and emails on her computer. According to the lawyer, Dr. Janson will probably cooperate just to lessen the blow on himself.

I'll be testifying, along with Thomas, a few of the nurses at TIMI who have since quit their jobs, and Gally. He's not in the hospital anymore. In fact, if we're able to, we may see him today. I visited him a week ago, and he's better. Not good, but better.

"I have spoken to him," I say, chuckling. I haven't stopped smiling all day, and I've endured endless teasing because of it, but I can't even find it in me to be embarrassed.

"See?" Minho says, and I can hear the smirk in his voice.

"Whatever, shucker," Alby says. He got on board with the made-up curse quickly, and now he won't stop using it. Not even just while Chuck is around.

Chuck and Minho live a bit out of the way, but Alby and Minho wound up clicking instantly, and now we've made hanging out with him and a few of the others somewhat of a regular thing. Fry and Zart aren't here now, but they'll be joining us later. Teresa might make an appearance too, and she and Alby haven't spoken in years, so that'll be interesting.