Confessions of a Teenage Caffeine Addict

24 // Emma

Nothing can wear you out like caring about people.

—S.E. Hilton

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JAKE

FEBRUARY // 1 YEAR LATER

The familiar screams woke me up that night. Not Jules, or another text from Calum, or another nightmare about losing State... again. The screaming did. Well, more specifically, a tiny human woke me up. Jules rolled over and put her hand on my arm, which had become the sign for "fix it."

"I got it," I said climbing out of bed.

Jules murmured some response which I didn't bother listening to. I walked out of my bedroom and a few feet down the hall, stopping at a door. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and ran my hands through my hair a few times, trying to wake up, just enough to deal with the situation at hand. I thought back to December of junior year, when I kept having nightmares about a screaming baby. Well... they weren't nightmares anymore. I walked into the room, which used to be the spare bedroom in my house.

The pink walls had a yellow tint to them from the glow of the night light. I walked past the changing table, and over to the crib which was had a blanket and a few stuffed animals on the inside.

"Hi, baby." I reached down into the crib and picked up her up. Tiny fingers were wrapped around the trunk of a pink elephant. She snuggled into the space between my shoulder and head, burying her face into my neck. The hair on her head, so soft, rubbed against the underside of my chin. "Hi there," I said to her as her screams faded into sniffles and whimpers. I put my hand on the back of her head. "Okay," I whispered, rocking back and forth, letting her catch her bearings. "I know, I know." Her hands tried to grab onto fistfuls of a shirt that I wasn't wearing, so instead, her nails just dug into my shoulder.

I made my way to the kitchen, where I walked around in a circle for a few minutes, rubbing her back. With a yawn, I checked the time, 2:17am. And just to make sure, I looked out the window. Yup, still dark out. I'll feed her now, and then she can eat again before I leave for school, I thought to myself. Her feet kicked a few times, the bottom of her footie PJs tugging slightly. I sighed and warmed a bottle up.

"Here ya go." I said quietly, rubbing her tiny head.

I held her in the crook of my right arm with the bottle in my left hand. Her hands reached up to grab the bottle, as if that would get the food into her any faster. I traced my thumb across the hairline of her forehead. Her sucking noises filled the house, calming and steady. I looked down at her, and I wondered how something so innocent could come from two people like Jules and myself.

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I snapped the last button together on her onesie before putting a pair of pink pants on her. The pants had little ruffles on the bottom of each leg, so I assumed that Ava had bought them. One sock. Two socks. She tried to roll over onto her stomach and crawl away from me. She absolutely despised wearing socks, and the ones that I just put on her—fluffy with grips on the bottom of them—would be off her feet and on the floor in less than two minutes. I grabbed her waist and pulled her back towards me with a zooming noise. A small squeak of laughter escaped her mouth.

"Daddy's funny in the mornings, I know." I sat her up and held up a white, long-sleeved t-shirt with sparkly snowflakes on it. I put my forehead to hers before kissing her cheek quickly.

"Arms up!" I said, lifting my arms above my head. One arm. Two arms. As soon as I finished putting her shirt on, Jules scooped her up, brush in hand as well as two, pink barrettes.